Question: Is putting a TV show in theaters a simple way of bilking your most loyal fans of money? Answer: Yes. Yes, it is. There might be exceptions, but none come to mind. And if the show in question, in this case, “Peppa Pig,” is readily available for public consumption, the movie better have something you’re not going to see on Nickelodeon Kids, knowwhatI’msayin’?
I’m serious. I want to see Peppa take down drug smugglers; I want to see chain-smoking Peppa infiltrate the Russian mob; I want to see Peppa diffuse a bomb and complain about days until retirement. In the very least, movie-goers should expect Peppa to be voiced by Helen Mirren or Emily Blunt. There should be cameos from Ian McKellen or Anthony Hopkins and maybe Jason Momoa could kill a guy.
Oh, I stand corrected, I see the credits include Orlando Bloom as Mr. Raccoon and Katy Perry as Ms. Leopard. Well, clearly I’m totally wrong here. This waste-of-time-and-money is completely NOT a waste-of-time-and-money. Cuz Orlando Bloom. And Katy Perry.
For the uninitiated, Peppa Pig (voice of Amelie Bea Smith and Lily Snowden-Fine, my favorite song by The Indigo Girls) is a perpetually snorting precocious English child with a snout growing out of her left ear. Oh, I see: all of her family have snouts growing out of their ears; must be a family trait … and some in-breeding, too, huh?
This cinematic free-for-all begins with the three-part wedding of Mr. Bull and Ms. Cow, neither of whom are voiced by either Orlando Bloom nor Katy Perry. These fingered bovines (?!) are planning to wed tomorrow, but neither knows squat about being a bridezilla, so the greater Peppa uprising has to figure out cake, dress, and rings. Maybe they just want a low-key wedding, did ya ever think of that?
In the interim between “episodes,” non-cartoon humans make a cake with Peppa’s picture on it, which was exactly the cake at my wedding. Turns out these dudes screw up all the wedding prep, but Mr. Bull and Ms. Cow like it 
anyway, a huge win for flexibility. Then it rains on their wedding day and Peppa claims, “Everybody loves a muddy puddle wedding.” Oh really, Peppa. Did you ask Alanis Morissette? I bet you didn’t.
After this, we get episodes on art and tennis and then I fell asleep, so I can’t guess what else. Yeah, I’m sure the kid was cutting diamonds and doing brain surgery in the portions I missed.
Here’s the bottom line: There’s nothing wrong with Peppa Pig. The show is decidedly Pre-K, so it’s been a while since this show would have been relevant in my world. Hence, I’m not the ideal candidate for this review. It probably will entertain your pre-K kid. My evaluation, however, would be remiss in not pointing out that this is total Mr. Bullshit. Peppa’s Cinema Party is TV on a movie screen. And easily-accessible TV at that. If you have access to this review, you have access to Peppa Pig, now. And nothing on the movie screen is any better than watching on whatever freaking device you can summon as is. Will your kids care? I doubt it. Seriously doubt it. Charging movie prices for this is highway robbery. No, check that. Highway robbery involves highways. This is robbery of the … hmm, you know when you see a playground and there’s like a track drawn in chalk on the asphalt for kids to ride tricycles around? It’s that kind of robbery.
There once was a Pig called Peppa
An amiable TV-G preppa
Getting on the big screen
Is encroachment obscene
And I hope everyone sees the missteppa
Not Rated [read: hard R, sex, violence, drug abuse, torture], 65 Minutes
Director: Andrea Chan
Writer: Ishai Ravid
Genre: Just watch it on television
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Kids who watch Peppa Pig already
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Parents who do not pay to watch Peppa Pig already
