I saw Kill last week, so now I’m a little confused about the length of Indian films. They don’t actually need to push the three-hour envelope. I did not realize this, but now that I do, I’m wondering aloud why Kalki 2898 AD needed to be three hours long when the same story could easily have been told in two. Are you guys not happy without an intermission? Forget intermission; you guys need an intervention.
This film starts in 3,000 BC with Krishna punishing Ashwatthama to eternal life. -This is one of those “subtle” punishments, huh? I mean, anybody rich enough would give their left testicle for eternal life, but in this film, it’s a punishment. Oh, I get why: because humans suck and so does humanity. Still, as we haven’t got a choice, we tend to want to ride out this game as long as we can.
Fastforward to 2898 AD and we’ve gone and landed in a dystopia. You ever find it weird how every culture thinks we’re headed for dystopia? Most of the land is dry desert ruled by “Raiders” and doesn’t look a thing like either Dune or Mad Max: Fury Road. Not one little thing. Uh uh. No way. In the middle of the desert is an oasis known as The Complex, ruled by a dude who goes by The Supreme Yaskin (Kamal Haasan). I don’t need to tell you that this guy is due for a supreme yas-kickin’.
How much dystopia are we talking about? Well, lemme tell ya: every fertile female in The Complex is artificially inseminated, allowed to … marinate for a bit, and then gets out in a machine that -not unlike the Pro-Life movement- sucks the lifeforce out of the fetus and the mother to be used for evil purposes.
Ah, but pregnant subject SUM-80 (Deepika Padukone), the prophesized mother of Kalki –the 10th incarnation of Vishnu– doesn’t want her life force sucked out of her. So she runs off to Shambala (presumably to wash away her sorrow and wash away her pain). And, pretty soon, there’s
SWAT teams and demigods goin’ after her, because you know most of this film is just all foreplay to a big fight scene.
Speaking of big fight scenes, Kalki 2898 AD chose mostly to ignore Supreme Yaskin bullcrap. Can I say that about an Indian film? Does the “sacred cow” extend to metaphors? Instead, it pitted the immortal, yet Gandalf-looking Ashwatthama (Amitabh Bachchan) against bounty-hunter-who-never-loses Bhairava (Prabhas). What’s strange about their battles is both of these characters are essentially flawed heroes. It’s a little like Han Solo battling Han Solo. Aren’t you guys supposed to be on the same side?
Kalki 2898 AD is long and much of it is green screen indulgence. I do love how Indian films will break into random song from time-to-time, and this is no exception despite how utterly weird that is given time and place. But I can’t say I was a fan of what clearly was a movie styled after American graphic novel adaptations, not am I a fan of a too long original that deliberately set itself up for a sequel. You can keep your immortal battles; I’m not going out of my way to see 2899 AD even if Vishnu does come for the 10th time.
Some immortals played war in BC
Centuries later, they still don’t agree
With loyalties torn
And Vishnu to be born
It’s time for dystopia in 3D
Not Rated, 180 Minutes
Director: Nag Ashwin
Writer: Nag Ashwin
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Hindi mythology wonks
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: If you’re tired of The Avengers, this isn’t going to help
