Clinging desperately to the handrail of relevance while the train of relevant stardom goes careening off the rails this week is Jessica Alba. You might remember her from … um … wait … I know this one … oh, I almost had it … I think she had a TV show, right? … Well, she’s very pretty. We can agree on that, right?
[For those playing at home, the 43-year-old-actress starred two decades ago in a show called “Dark Angel.” After that, her best credits include being an afterthought in a Robert Rodriguez coup.]
Is she still pretty? Of course she’s still pretty. That has never been her problem. Her problem has always been relevance, as in: what do you, Jessica Alba, bring to the table besides looks? And the answer is: “not enough to justify leading-lady material” which is a shame because she still has leading-lady looks.
In this latest attempt at career boosting, Alba plays action hero again, wielding a knife in almost every scene and using it … a lot. Parker (Alba) is a military specialist in the fields of combat and investigation. I’m not sure we’re quite buying all that when we see her battle it out with bad guys in Syria. :shrug: Whatchagonnado? The second biggest name in the cast is Anthony Michael Hall.
Parker is summoned home to the godforsaken military town of Creation with a report that her father died in a mine collapse. Upon returning, Parker can see that the stories of the death don’t quite add up. Luckily, she’s brought her knives with her. In a flashback scene, we see AWWWWWWW, she gets her love of knives from dad. AWWWWW.
There’s something weird going on here in that normal townsfolk morons seem to be having access to military weapons, which makes no sense. Of course, what makes less sense is that the military base doesn’t seem to know or care that military weapons are being exploded by non-military people within a mile of the base. Looks like Parker will have to go undercover. I’m not sure I buy her stealth mode; perhaps she could wear an “I’m being sneaky” sign when she does this.
The biggest problem with this film is that it’s a feminist action piece in which neither the fem
inism nor the action seems genuine. Alba isn’t a great spokeswoman for feminism and every action scene seems staged with a knife-wielding Alba facing down somebody who is not holding a knife. And the knives get bigger as the film rolls along. Are we gonna get to machete? Tell me we’re going to get to Machete.
Trigger Warning is a training film (or in baseball terms a “Rookie League” film) … for everybody involved: Witers/directors/crew and every single actor. I don’t think anybody here, including Alba, has fooled themselves into believing great art is being made in this particular venue, but this film could serve as a useful audition, perhaps, for a better film. It’s something to put on a resume in hopes that a forgiving casting agent has insomnia and a subscription to Netflix. I don’t think it is possible to take this film seriously on any level, especially the part where Parker is constantly brining a knife to a gun fight. This film isn’t quite as bad as I’ve rated it … but it doesn’t deserve any better.
There once was a woman named Parker
Whose history made her a bit darker
For her father had died
And townspeople lied
Causing her to play local trouble-sparker
Rated TV-MA, 106 Minutes
Director: Mouly Surya (which sounds like a Slavic dessert)
Writer: John Brancato, Josh Olson, Halley Wegryn Gross
Genre: Dudes killing dudes
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Jessica Alba’s agent
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Everyone else
