When you return from the undead for vengeance, make sure you get the make-up right. I mean this is important stuff, yes? You don’t want to die, get sent to Purgatory, make a triumphant blood-thirsty return and be lookin’ like Tammy Faye Bakker, am I right?
Returning from the dead seemed to be the least of Eric Draven’s problems. The multiple tattooed undead wraith has a dead gf/bff, a ton of vengeance to exact, and an intense dry-cleaning bill from his problematic ink addiction. Do you think he spends three seconds figuring out how he isn’t dead anymore? Probably not.
I’m getting ahead of myself. This story is actually about Shelly (FKA Twigs), a well-to-do young (and fairly idle) urbanite who has the devil on tape doing devil stuff. I’m not exactly sure how any of this works, but basically, there’s an evil powerful demonic crime lord (Danny Huston), and there is a video that evil powerful demonic crime lord wants destroyed, and the only link is Shelly.
Naturally, Shelly gets in trouble, ignores all legal advice, and goes straight to co-ed juvie, which is a neat trick as she’s 36 years old. While incarcerated, she meets the stoic, enigmatic, and many, many, many times tattooed Eric (Bill Skarsgård). Don’t worry, he’s also over 30. Is this a real prison? I honestly cannot tell. Wiki says it is a “rehabilitation institution.” Funny how everything there looks prison-ish. So, you know, when a new girl is introduced to a co-ed prison, she naturally falls in love, escapes, and runs off with the tattooed guy who doesn’t say anything.
Gee, when I put it that way, it all seems kinda silly. And it is when I describe it. On film, this was a decent romance. The leads here a troubled, flawed, and broken humans, but they became anchors for one another. If you believe in the power of romance, this was a decent one; it made everything better … until the evil powerful demonic crime lord catches up with the two and kills them. Shelly gets sent to a place where only Eric can save her. Eric gets sent to Purgatory … which resembles an abandoned train station in a former Soviet satellite country. Yeah, that tracks.
I’m always curious about Purgatory, like what food would you find there? Arby’s? Arby’s sounds right. Maybe one of those cities with no natural sunlight and one small public park. It isn’t bad, necessarily, it just isn’t somewhere you’d ever want to live. There, Eric meets a god (?) (Sami Bouajila) who denies bein
g God with the phrase, “Do I look like a god?” I dunno. Never been to Purgatory … and you’re the guy who sends Eric back to Earth with new powers. That seems pretty god-like.
The Crow is a dark tale. It involves people who have been a hurt, deal in pain, and don’t shower very often. The hero is a decidedly tortured soul who spent the majority of his first thirty years on the planet collecting tattoos, apparently. Then he spent five minutes falling in love, decided that was better than tattoos and went with it. Now that his love has died, he has returned for revenge and has avoided the tattoo parlor entirely by bathing in ink (or so it would appear). May as well have your outer appearance reflect your inner turmoil, am I right?
I liked this film. Not a lot, but enough. But I don’t have a problem with tragic romance or dark heroes. I’m also buoyed by the fact that I never saw the original. Nor read the graphic novel, so my idea of who and what The Crow should be was based 100% on what I saw on screen, which – to be clear- wasn’t pretty. Genuine Crow fans who want to tell me how full of shit I am, well, ok. I don’t doubt that I am. But I enjoyed the film I saw, at least more than I didn’t.
There was once a fellow named Draven
Who found a girl in need of savin’
She died, of course
And instead of remorse
He made vengeance his unending haven
Rated R, 111 Minutes
Director: Rupert Sanders
Writer: James O’Barr, Zach Baylin, William Josef Schneider
Genre: Films shot in ink factories
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Lovers of dark romance
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of the graphic novel, I imagine
