As long as we’re revisiting the John Hughes oeuvre, why not take another look at his worst film? No, not Curly Sue. (Although, I can see why you’d think that.) My goodness, you say Sixteen Candles was problematic? In Weird Science, two incels create a sex bot and then prove too chickenshit to have sex with her. That is the plot. Seriously.
I had never seen Weird Science before. Just one of those things. I still adore Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Throw in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Weird Science was sandwiched right in the middle of four films people are still watching decades later. How bad could it be?
Ugh. The answer: Real bad. Real, real bad. Unwatchable bad. Good God bad.
Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) wanna get laid. That’s pretty much it. You can dress it up in all sorts of teen angst arguments all you want, but we meet these prototypical losers gawking at co-eds in gym class. The only difference between this and Porky’s, so far, is that they aren’t hiding behind peepholes. Do they deserve to get pantsed in front of a gymnasium full of girls? Probably not. But, movie, what are we supposed to be rooting for here? Certainly not their bullies, but these lustful losers? This whole scene is bad.
It gets worse.
Inspired by Frankenstein, these two zeroes decide to use “modern” technology (a TRS-80 with a floppy disc drive?) to “create” a perfect woman. Now, before you ask, “Isn’t this playing God?” And, btw, yes, it is. Do keep in mind that the two only want to have sex, so they’re really only creating a sex doll. And they feed all this bullshit into a 1980s computer as if it can do more than play “Hunt the Wumpus.” Yeah, you’re gonna create a perfect woman with 8k of memory? Good luck with that. They’ll be back to “hunting their wumpuses” -or whatever the kids called it in the 1980s- in no time.
Well, this being a movie and all, the earth quakes, the government is broached and seconds later, sexy Kelly LeBrock shows up to be the playtoy of Gary and Wyatt. After some prompting, the losers agree to take a shower with her … which involves them wearing pants in the shower.
Geez, fellas, what exactly did you want this girl for, anyway?
The joke here is that newly named Lisa is a sexy super-genius who starts leading Gary and Wyatt around by the nose. This doesn’t sit well with Wyatt’s brother Chet (Bill Paxton), who is a grade A asshole. So far, I don’t like anybody in this film, including Lisa.
Tell me, movie, if your adult creation who was literally born yesterday has sex with a teen boy, which of you is guilty of statutory rape? Just askin’.
Oh, good, when Wyatt wears Lisa’s underwear to demonstrate to us they had sex -because the clues weren’t quite clear before then- the film takes us on a journey of kink shaming, fat shaming, and homophobia. And gosh, I thought Weird Science was aging so well up to this point.
After a series of “what is going on here?” scenes, the “lesson” finally takes over. Lisa is trying to teach the boys they need self-confidence. So, she’s now their sex-bot tutor therapist? And, no they don’t need “self-confidence,” they need to grow up. Do note that Gary “obtains” self-confiden
ce by wielding a gun. That’s not real self-confidence, John Hughes; that is artificial self-confidence endowed by the NRA. Real self-confidence is standing up for yourself on the other side of that weapon.
I kept waiting for consequences. Consequences for abusing science, for misogyny, for playing God, for creating an unspeakable mess. None happened. In fact, Gary and Wyatt are rewarded for their collective cowardice with the affections of two girls they covet … but still know nothing about. Seriously, we learn more about the throw-away prom queen Anthony Michael Hall beds in Sixteen Candles than his object of desire in Weird Science. This is not only a nerd fantasy, but among the most immature films ever made.
One thing I kept asking myself while watching was, “Would I have liked this at the time?” I wouldn’t guarantee that. I didn’t even enjoy Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when I first saw it. Now, would I have liked Weird Science better had I seen in it 1985? Probably. I might have found the clothed shower scenes amusing along with the literal trolling of Chet. I still would have found the bra-as-headgear-during-“science” strange and off-putting. I certainly would have appreciated the Oingo Boingo soundtrack better. But would I have given it more than one star? Unlikely. This is a bad film. And now it’s a bad, dated, disturbing film to boot. I’m sorry I ventured back on this road.
Two geeks from the decade of style
Violated the natural order most vile
They wanted to get laid
A price was not paid
A film about “inches” missed by a mile
Rated PG-13, 94 Minutes
Director: John Hughes
Writer: John Hughes, Al Feldstein, William M. Gaines
Genre: Please make it stop
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: 80s kids … in the 1980s
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me
