Do you think films dream? Do you wonder if, say, Madame Web goes to bed at night and dreams she’s Wonder Woman? Tossing and turning in her little film cannister imagining she can leap buildings, deflect bullets, and make a magic lasso out of cutting room floor debris? I ask this because Carry-On wanted to be Die Hard so badly it dresses as John McClane for Halloween.
The plot – see if you recognize this – is that an amoral and a-political terrorist has manipulated a closed scene to do terror and collect money, not necessarily in that order. Meanwhile, a sorta-cop whose S.O. has been threatened is the one person between the terrorist and a really ugly time in 
Los Angeles. Oh, and it’s Christmas. And there’s an intense dialogue between terrorist and hero.
Tell me that film doesn’t dream of being Die Hard. Go ahead, tell me.
Ethan Kopek (Taron Egerton) is a TSA agent at LAX. His wife is pregnant and has a more important job. He hasn’t been promoted in three years, which the film claims is a lack of ambition, while I see it as a: “You haven’t been promoted in three years? Welcome to the working world, pal. You want to get promoted? Apply to a different company.” What does one get promoted to in the TSA, anyway?
Feeling the sting of a dead-end career, Ethan talks his way into greater responsibility: the scanning machine, on Christmas, no less. So, lemme get this straight – in the TSA, the scanning machine is “The Show?” Really? That’s where you want to be, is it? Sitting in a chair and monitoring an X-ray machine for contraband. Again and again and again. Well I know the TSA brochure makes it sounds exciting, but *gosh* I had no idea!
Suddenly there’s an unclaimed earpiece in a stray bin. Ethan gets a text – this bugged me; I don’t think TSA agents should have access to their phones during work hours –text says to use the earpiece. In a day full of mistakes, this is the biggest mistake Ethan will make. On the other end is Jason Bateman, and within seconds, he knows everything material there is to know about Ethan and already knows where his pain points are. He can have Ethan’s pregnant girlfriend threatened with a kill shot in mere seconds.
Sir, are you sure you don’t need an unnecessary pat down, or to identify a Muslim to harass? Those are the things we’re best trained for at the TSA.
No, Jason Bateman wants a bag to slip by unnoticed. I can’t believe these things aren’t flagged automatically, or overseen by another pair of eyes, but let’s imagine they aren’t. And let’s imagine that Jason Bateman and a network of stooges have eyes and ears on agent Ethan at all times.
Oh, and like teenage lovers, the bad guy won’t let Ethan get off the phone, cuz he needs to know every conversation Ethan has. OMG, not only did he cold call, but he’s
gonna stay on the phone the whole time?! THIS REALLY IS TERRORISM, isn’t it? This is already a nightmare scenario and we haven’t even gotten to the threats yet.
Obviously, there’s something in the bag that shouldn’t get by TSA officials. And it’s probably something where lives are at stake. Just wait for the surprise.
Like I said above, this movie couldn’t want to be Die Hard more if it cosplayed as Die Hard on Halloween. The more apt comparison is, of course, Die Hard 2, which takes place at an airport on Christmas. Carry-On isn’t as good as either film, tbh, but it was compelling enough. I liked the interplay between villain and hero enough not to be put-off when the Plotholes arrived on their connecting flight from O’Hare; they were exhausted, yet insisted upon spending the night on my couch. It’s always a fun thing to imagine what you’d do when the villain has complete control of the situation. Will that make up for the unnecessary deaths and ridiculous breaches of protocol? Let’s hope so.
Once a man in the TSA
Wanted to advance in a day
So he picked out a cam
And then got in a jam
When a terrorist decided to play
Rated PG-13, 119 Minutes
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Writer: T.J. Fixman
Genre: ♪I’m a little Die Hard, short and stout♫
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People that NEED Christmas action!
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who already fear holiday travel
