Do you remember when we enjoyed films in which people like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris would show up, take offense, and start erasing bad guys right and left? And remember how the RW messages within them were decidedly present, but kinda subtle, like the inherent need for policing the world and the positive values espoused in vigilantism?
Those films still exist … only the heroes aren’t so heroic and the massages aren’t so subtle. This film, Gunner, feels like it was written in a 4chan chat room, you know somewhere the people actually discuss things liberals and minorities do without having direct knowledge of anybody in either group.
Lee Gunner (Luke Hemsworth, yes, LUKE Hemsworth; this Australian Sean Astin lookin’ muther is our hero, folks) is a medal of honor badass recently returned from Afghanistan to a family he has to get to know again. While his fatherhood skills are in doubt, no one denies his combat skills, like when he takes out a dude playing switchblade darts with just a service tray. Gunner has been in an Afghani prison for a year, but still manages to have new truck and throw away ATV money, which describes every hardcore veteran I’ve heard about.
The film shows its hand early when Gunner’s teen son doesn’t make it home. Has he been kidnapped? No. He’s asleep in his girlfriend’s bed. The parents of the girl supplied him with beer and welcomed him into their daughter’s bed. Ah, yes, this is that “permissive parenting” practiced by the entirety of the elite Left. The Right warns us! Don’t worry. It gets better. Gunner takes his sons “camping,” which means “I got an ATV for everybody (including the 10-year-old); let’s destroy some nature!” Of course, they run into a drug lab run entirely by people who are not white, so Gunner can demonstrate his combat skills while the evil non-white people kidnap both sons.
Meanwhile, of course, the Federal government is useless, stopping a shootout to arrest Gunner. I wish I were making that up. I am not. And, of course, they won’t listen to the Gunner POV. Kidnapping doesn’t matter to the government if it happens to the sons of a war hero. Only the locals know what’s going on and are willing to help. Did I get that right, Trumpies? Is that what I’m suppose to take from these scenes? Because it sounds a great deal like this screenplay came out of somebody’s ass.
Luckily, now we get to see the guy who ate John Wick “leap” into action. Many non-white bodies will be down before this one ends. Did I mention the head bad guy is the imprisoned Morgan Freeman? Gunner parachutes into prison to break Freeman out (to use as kidnapping leverage). No watchtower guard seemed even the slightest bit concerned about the guy parachuting in and throwing flash grenades. Is this part of how local law enforcement helps out? Help me understand.
I suppose there were some action film minutiae moments in Gunner I did enjoy ironically. One involved
Gunner fighting to a soundtrack of lounge music. Interesting choice. Another was when he managed to put on a shirt while falling out of a building. (All I know is he was shirtless on the top floor and seconds later he’s wearing a shirt after jumping into a hay bale or something.)
This is the kind of movie that we loved in the 1980s, but has steadily fallen out of endearment since. The current version with a white guy crossing lines to kill bad guys of color wouldn’t currently work with Thor at the helm. But this isn’t Thor. This isn’t even Thor’s pretty brother, the one from The Hunger Games. This is Thor’s inconsequential brother. And, lemme tell ya, unlike his bros, Fat Loki here can’t carry a film, action or otherwise. Sure, there’s a suitable role for Luke Hemsworth in an action film: he can be the guy Terry Crews shares a beer with after The Expendables blow up some shit together. That’s right, he’s an Expendables expendable.
Months ago, Netflix had the wisdom to place 43-year-old Jessica Alba in an action vehicle called Trigger Warning. This eye-rolling endeavor had Ms. Alba bring a knife to every fight and use it regardless of what the opponent wielded. It wasn’t good and will do literally nothing for the careers of anyone in the film. Trigger Warning was better than Gunner.
There was once Hemsworth named Luke
Whose popularity existed by fluke
His Name takes him far
Cuz his brother’s a star
But this guy makes me want to puke
Not Rated, 106 Minutes
Director: Dimitri Logothetis
Writer: Dimitri Logothetis, Gary Scott Thompson
Genre: Films written in dark web forums
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The kind of person who votes Trump and doesn’t even question it
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: You name it.
