One of the key questions cinema asked is in 2024 is “Why can’t Christmas be sexier?” And, more specifically, “Why can’t Christmas men be hotter?”
To be sure, it is a very reasonable question, I mean why shouldn’t a seasonal celebration focused on sugary treats, self-indulgence, indoor activity, and the most notable obesity sufferer west of Buddha be all about reps and washboard abs?
And so, whether it’s been Chris Evans idling while Dwayne Johnson spots Santa JK Simmons lifting in Red One, or Lacey Chabert bringing a hunky snowman to life in Hot Frosty, this Christmas season has definitely seen a shift from dad bods to Noel Magic Mike, ifyouknowwhatImean. 
And in that spirit, I present The Merry Gentlemen, a story of what happens when you get so desperate to make a Christmas movie that you start using the plots of thirst traps.
Ashley (Britt Robertson) is a Broadway dancer. She hasn’t been home in 12 years. That’s going to change. But first I have to take issue – how does a dancer in The Jingle Belles not get down time? The show can’t possibly run past Christmas, can it? You won’t be watching The Jingle Belles on stage in April or August, will you? Get real. Anyhoo, Ashley has been canned; she’s too old for this gig. This part actually strikes me as real.
Tail between legs, Ashley returns to Sycamore Creek, a town where (apparently) the abs-to-dorks ratio per capita is the highest of any city in the nation. I’m not sure that explains things like how she can leave the town diner in the morning and not arrive at the owner’s home until nightfall. Do they live three states over?
Never mind.
The first person she meets in town is handyman and soon-to-be-shirtless Luke (Chad Michael Murray, a man whose hair has been glued to his head). I couldn’t recall Chad Michael Murray, so I looked him up.
Oh yeah.
Twenty years ago, he romanced Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday, then did the same with Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story. Then I never heard from him again. Which seemed right.
Well, now, he’s back in this knock-off holiday Magic Mike.
Long story short – Ashley’s rents own a shitty bar, The Rhythm Room. It gets no business and needs $30k to stay afloat. And it has to be raised by New Year’s. Ashley collects the hunks of Sycamore Creek and convinces them to show their stuff on stage for a good cause. And suddenly The Rhythm Room is raking in thousands of dollars a night, with like 12 people in the audience. Seriously.
Must be one helluva cover charge. Nice that the same women keep returning as well, huh? How much disposable income do you suppose these folks have? And what a cause, huh?
“We spent thousands of dollars each this holiday season on a good cause.”
“On charity? Are you housing the homeless or feeding the needy?”
“Not exactly.”
“Well, were you investing in science? Sheltering stray animals? Giving to the arts?”
“Not exactly.”
“Well, were you contributing to local businesses?”
“OH YES!! DEFINITELY!!”
“What kind of business?”
“A bar.”
“Oh. Well, it’s a bar you visit a lot at least, right?”
“No. We were only there because hot men started stripping.”
“Oh.”
Not exactly the Christmas miracle we were hoping for or the spirit of the season, huh?
Oh, and there’s also some monumentally poor acting in the film. That is if you can get into a plot where townspeople gleefully strip to save a shitty bar.
This is a bad film. Even by Christmas standards.
A dancer doing her usual day-to-day
Got booted from her show on Broadway
She retreated to her hood
And decided it was good
To have men strip and collect all the pay
Rated TV-14, 87 Minutes
Director: Peter Sullivan
Writer: Jeffrey Schenck, Peter Sullivan, Marla Sokoloff
Genre: Magic Mike, holiday edition
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: If you liked Hot Frosty … this seems like a similar film, if just as painfully bad
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Don’t start your Christmas season here. Just … don’t
