It’s always nice to get the first film of the new year out of the way … for both myself and my reader, it is acknowledgment that this is probably going to continue for at least another year.
And, yeah, I have no plans to go to video. Sorry. Reading is a lost art, I guess.
I also have no plans to have AI generate my reviews, although a clever person might. Wiggledy Jehoshaphat Wumpus! Yeah, try generating that, AI.
I digress.
The point is a new year has begun, and while it may never end (there will almost certainly remain un-reviewed 2024 films whenever I die, for instance), it has indeed begun. Welcome to 2025. This is also a good reminder that new films in January tend to suck, which is why they’re peppered in theaters side-by-side with late-released Oscar contenders representing the previous year.
And with that. I introduce Den of Thieves: Pantera. Pantera is a different kind of January release. Almost every other January release -especially January horror- suffers from being under-written or ill-researched. I don’t think either of those factors apply here; Pantera is clearly over-written and bloated. It genuinely means well; I don’t think writer/director Christian Gudegast wanted to throw any old tripe out there to be swallowed up by art-challenged masses, but, dude, one hour into this film, the biggest action moment in an action film was Gerard Butler and O’Shea Jackson Jr. swimming to land.
Sheriff Nick O’Brien (Butler) is an angry divorced man. Lacking any sense of boundary o
r jurisdiction, he goes undercover to catch Pantera, a group of high-asset, high profile, international jewel thieves.
Sure. Why not?
The Panthers, having just acquired Donnie Wilson (Jackson) for a first-round draft pick and baguette to named later, are planning their next move: a diamond vault in Nice so exclusive you need TSA clearance just to enter the block where it resides. This is the target.
The next move is to introduce Nick to Donnie, so that they can work together. This is a tricky piece of writing because -and I can’t emphasize this enough- these are the only two people in the film we’re supposed to like. The rest can all go to Hell. Go straight to Hell. Nick represents law and grit. Donnie represents brains and refinement. So the secret is getting these guys to agree on a common mission despite their differences. The two meet by Nick breaking into Donnie’s apartment overlooking the heist location; that isn’t generally a good place to find common ground.
The other challenge is that while Den of Thieves: Pantera wants to be Ocean’s Eleven, that ain’t Brad Pitt and George Clooney. So selling this relationship takes time. And planning the heist takes time. And explaining the details to the audience takes time. And the exposition involving former associations takes time. Before you know it, this “action” film has no action at all.
To be fair, Den of Thieves: Pantera is better than your average new film in January. Yes, that is a very low bar. And while the film never quite reaches the heist standards of, say, Ocean’s Eleven or The Pink Panther, there’s enough here to get lost in the plot … eventually. There’s a fair amount of unforgivable pandering towards the two leads, but :shrug: I guess it’s better than pandering to characters we don’t like, huh? I’m not saying “avoid this film,” but if you slept through the first hour 1) you wouldn’t miss much and 2) nobody would blame you.
Welcome to 2025, everybody. God help us all for what will follow.
There once was a ex-cop named Nick
Infiltrating the Panther crew real slick
Got them to reveal
Their grand plans to steal
Rights to the next Den of Thieves flick
Rated R, 144 Minutes
Director: Christian Gudegast
Writer: Christian Gudegast
Genre: Ocean’s Two?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ice Cube, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “If the real heist took this long, these guys would be caught for sure”
