Sometimes I really think I’ve seen it all. Sometimes. And then I see two foster kids having what appears to be a cremated-person-ashes-eating contest. These guys are chowing mom down like breakfast cereal. And the camera lets it happen and flows directly into the rest of the scene never commenting on it like we didn’t just see that. Maybe I didn’t see it. Maybe I have seen it all.
But I haven’t.
I’ve worked with genuine hoarders. Cynthia (Hayley Squires) is barely a 2.5 (out of 5), 3 tops. Does their apartment have walking capacity? Yes. Are there entire sections blocked off? No. Does it have its own ecosystem? Little evidence of that. Although the film did try and show us a genuine rat king. Apparently, that’s not just a myth … then again, this could be a tale springing from the exaggerated imagination of Cynthia’s daughter, Maria (Lily-Beau Leach young, Saura Lightfoot Leon not-so-young).
Maria is having problems at school because she and mom go for all-night dumpster diving. Her mates don’t like her smell. Her teachers don’t like her inattention in class and her failures to bring appropriate clothing (probably lost beneath a pile of whatever). Mom is critical of Maria’s failure to save every last scrap of lunch discard. They have an ongoing tinfoil collection.
Honestly, Act I is a great deal more depressing than entertaining. Within minutes, we get a good feel of how deprived Maria’s life is because of Cynthia’s obsession with collection. But nothing really develops out of this obsession. It takes a dark comic tragedy thirty minutes in to break the cycle … and suddenly Maria has to grow up in a foster home.
And then, shit gets weird.
I don’t want to give away the plot. But, but, but as a general rule of thumb that has no specific application, you should know that having bizarre psycho-sexual relationships with foster siblings is really not a good idea. I’m just sayin’. This is all completely irrelevant to Hoard, of course.
It’s hard not to be impressed by the performance of Saura Lightfoot Leon, of whom the script asks with a 
straight face to do some really weird things and do them like a girl who cannot see she has a mental disorder. Hoard is an uneasy watch; if it describes anyone you know, get that person help immediately.
Hoard is an odd film. It follows people who look normal, but ones you likely will never meet in your lifetime. And it loves them. Maria isn’t off; she just had a mom who is a sociopath; that’s gonna screw up anybody, right? Well, maybe. But it doesn’t make the scenes any easier on the stomach. The disgust factor proved too much for me in this film. Much as I like to see new perspectives, I didn’t need this one. Hoard feels like the kind of film that I’ll forget within a month (check), but some rando asks me about in five years and I’ll pull up the search mechanism on the blog and get sick to my stomach all over again. If you’re bored with what movies generally offer, try Hoard. I guarantee there will be a thing or two you don’t see on the Hallmark Channel.
There once was a girl named Maria
Whose mother had a case of trash-o-philia
She was soon sent away
Yet to this very day
She indulges every self-damaging idea
Not Rated, 126 Minutes
Director: Luna Carmoon (Seriously? Who named you, Sol Trucksun? Marte Van Mars?)
Writer: Luna Carmoon
Genre: WTF?!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People with an appetite for weird
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Normies
