Angry luting. Have you ever seen angry luting? Like, I dunno, a minstrel having to strum on his off day? No, I haven’t seen that, either; I’m just trying to imagine scenarios by which one might see an angry luter. Because among the tamer images Nosferatu donated to the viewing public was angry luting.
Germany of 1838 was a bleak, cold, and dull place … and we haven’t even gotten to the bad stuff. As a clerk in the local thumbscrew and real estate office, young Thomas (Nicholas Hoult) has a fabulous opportunity for advancement, and it only involves taking his life into his own hands. 
You see, a mysterious new client, Count Orlok –c’mon, man, “Count Orlok” doesn’t give you immediate hesitation? – anyway, this “Count Orlok” wants to buy a new home in town, but requests purchasing sight unseen and wants the office to come to him.
Thomas’ wife Ellen (Lily-Rose Depp) ain’t pleased. She’s had bad dreams and pleads with Thomas not to go. But then we wouldn’t have a movie. Now, it’s not like we started out in an episode of “Paw Patrol,” but, sure enough, the longer Thomas travels, the bleaker the landscape becomes all the same. On the outskirts of Count Orlok’s ruined castle is a town where the people are so unwelcome they give goths a bad name.
And yet, for some reason, the roads are incredibly well kept. Think about that for a sec – who visits Count Orlok (Bill Skarsgård)? Why would anyone maintain those roadways? Count Orlok or “Nosferatu” as his friends and neighbors call him is, of course, a hideous troll of a vampire who enjoys mind control and sleeping naked in a box. Yes, we do see Li’l Nosferatu, although I’m told
it’s a prosthetic (poor Bill!!).
Once again, Nicholas Hoult is -not a vampire- yet a headliner in a movie about a vampire. Always a bridesmaid, huh Nicholas?
Obviously, Count Orlok has more sinister intentions, and is likely to bring his A-game (and some plague rats) back to Wisborg, where this Hell began. Are vampires responsible for the plague? Explain that one to me. Viewer, you’re in for a heap o’ death and some things you can’t unsee.
Like its predecessor, Nosferatu is dark and creepy and suitably goth for anybody who has ever chosen a black veil as a fashion accessory. Odds are you’ll be too taken by the art design to be properly frightened; otherwise, this is probably a classic horror, just stylized. And nobody can deny writer/director Robert Eggers definitely has style. I’m not sure I’ve ever enjoyed a single Robert Eggers character in five films now, but I 100% agree the man has style. For Robert Eggers fans, this film is a treasure and a certain Best Picture nomination. For me, I respect the artistic vision enough to recommend the film, but I mostly want to forget this film ever happened.
♪Nosferatu
Why don’t you come to the village?
You’ve had nothing to pillage
For so long now
Oh, you’re a weird one
You have no sense of season
Fashion could be the reason
You’re all alone now
Don’t your dong get cold in the wintertime?
Treating bed clothes like they’re a crime
Who hangs out while sleeping in box?
Losin’ all your dignity
Visitors come, and then they flee
Ever considered renovation for your rocks?
Nosferatu
Are you getting any older?
You haven’t had smolder
In centuries now
And fiefdom, yeah fiefdom,
That’s just solicitors balkin’
Your curse is a soul
That sinks just like a stone♫
Rated R, 132 Minutes
Director: Robert Eggers
Writer: Robert Eggers, Henrik Galeen, Bram Stoker
Genre: Movies that are too goth for goths
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Set designers, cinematographers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Any body who has ever enjoyed a g-rated cartoon
♪ Parody Inspired by “Desperado”
