“We’re not together!!” cries a desperate pair trying to dissuade the Heart Eyes killer who targets couples on Valentine’s Day. When a proven homicidal psychopath is approaching you while wielding a bloody knife, I suppose it’s worth a shot, huh? Doncha just hate it when homicidal maniacs don’t listen? Unfortunately, explanations don’t fly with the Heart Eyes Killer, who sees right through your professional relationship. You can’t fool him, now can you?
That part was certainly a little weird … is the Heart Eyes Killer a soothsayer? A matchmaker? I mean, what sense does it make to target a couple who aren’t yet a couple, huh? How does Heart Eyes Killer know?!
Last year, the Heart Eyes Killer was in Boston, which seems an ideal place to systematically crush Valentine’s Day crushes. For whatever reason, Heart Eyes opens this film in Seattle (the film doesn’t speculate on reason, which seems a shame – Thought the murder experience was more laid back on the West Coast? The weather was better for killing? Got his PhD in homicide from BU and decided to go pro elsewhere? Who knows?) Point is, there is a killer on the loose who targets young couples. The killer is masked like a mummy except for glowing, night-vision enabled heart-shaped eyes, making the killer seem like an emoji come to life to destroy others. On this day, he takes out an engaged couple at a vineyard. The woman gets literally wine-pressed to death – I guess that’s a red, huh? Then a spa gets bloody in the afternoon, but the evening calendar is still open, and that’s where the film really begins.
Ally (Olivia Holt) and Jay (Mason Gooding) have a meet cute that would qualify for a C+ romance – they both have the same complicated order at a coffee place … and then the barista shoos them away because: “There are other customers.” (Well, gosh, I’m going to like this film already, aren’t I?) Turns out both of these guys are working on the same Valentine’s ad campaign for a jewelry company. Well, this is sloppy writing, isn’t it? You don’t make up a new ad campaign on the day of the holiday. Meh. Never mind.
These two are attractive and attracted -why does neither have a Valentine’s date?- yet aren’t
ready to be a couple. This is exacerbated by asymmetrical backstories told over dinner (“for research”). As the conversation gets ugly, Ally storms out of their potentially romantic dinner only to run into her ex outside the restaurant. This prompts her to kiss Jay on the spot, opening themselves up to romantic murder. And that accounts for the rest of the film.
Heart Eyes could have been a standard slasher, and it some ways it was, but there’s a black comedy Scream-like vibe to this film that makes it far more likable than average slashers. For one thing, I love that the Killer has the story wrong. And try not to snicker when you hear the detective names are “Hobbs” and “Shaw.” Obviously, bloody thrillers are not everybody’s cup of chocolate on February 14, but if you have a taste for horror, you can do a lot worse than this one.
There once was a pitch designer named Ally
Whose life was falling apart practically
Her job in the straits
No boyfriend awaits
Maybe a psychopath can make this woman rally
Rated R, 97 Minutes
Director: Josh Ruben
Writer: Phillip Morphy, Christipher Landon, Michael Kennedy
Genre: Who hates Valentine’s Day?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Anti-romantic romantics
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who would rather see metaphorical hearts
