This is what happens when you don’t understand romance or sci-fi, yet insist on making a movie about both. For about an hour, the movie screen decided to show me an awkward 26th century romance between (I’m not kidding here) a buoy and a satellite. Seriously, a buoy and a satellite. Then it switched gears, forwarding ONE BILLION YEARS ahead in time only not switching gears, instead finding this same couple revive their awkward relationship.
Let me ask this … if you waited ONE BILLION YEARS for a romantic connection to reappear, how soon would you get to the “bickering” stage of the relationship? Did you say, “10 minutes.” Because that’s what happened here. You haven’t seen your lover in 1,000,000,000 years and, yet, these two couldn’t wait to fight.
What a positive, uplifting commentary on human nature, huh?
Well, what did I expect? There are no living people in the screenplay. It is the 26th century, the animal population of Earth has all long since been eradicated, which is why you have a satellite talking to a buoy in the first place. The satellite is actively looking for life, so the S.M.A.R.T. buoy declares itself “life” to establish a connection. In order to establish this connection, the buoy hacks into some centuries-old video files and adopts the personality (buoy-ality?) of media influencer Deja (Kristen Stewart), essentially forcing the satellite in turn to adopt the persona of Deja’s boyfriend Liam (Steven Yeun). In this way, we can see two non-living beings recreate a tepid, staged romance while calling themselves “Me” and “Iam.”
During Act II, the electronic beings stage the cohabitation of Me and Iam, portraying them as animated figures in animal onesies. Is the buoy a “furry?” This would be weird if it were good. Unfortunately, it is not. The buoy and satellite don’t really
understand romance (which makes me wonder how much the writer director team of Andrew Zuchero and Sam Zuchero know about the subject). What’s important here is that the two “lovers” end up in petty, meaningless arguments.
You would think, btw, that the buoy would be a “boy,” no? Not so much. I think you Zucheros overthought that one.
Then the buoy sinks to the bottom of the ocean, losing connection to the satellite. Awwwww. Which is somehow re-established one billion years later, cuz while the planet has evolved, the machines have not, but they are still, somehow, intact. Ok, sure. Why not? And this all occurs so they can revive their tepid, awkward romance and then start fighting. Honestly? After watching this film, I am really glad humanity died out. I would hate to think the entirety of the hopes, dreams, and accomplishments of our species could be personified by two zeroes.
There was once a buoy self-called “Me”
Who wanted connection so desperately
That it posed as a chump
To get a satellite bump
And misrepresent all humanity
Rated R, 91 Minutes
Director: Andrew Zuchero, Sam Zuchero
Writer: Sam Zuchero, Andrew Zuchero
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Romantic buoys and satellites in search of love
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Normal humans
