Here’s a film that begs the question: “When is a good time for your uber-wealthy hot step-brother to finger you in the swimming pool? Before street racing? Or after his improvised Fight Club?” As if it were not enough that these two become brother and sister recently, My Fault: London -and God help you if you can explain that title- decided to throw in a little Fast & Furious, a little Fight Club, a little Ford v. Ferrari, and eventually settled on Ransom.
You know, cuz … romance. Valentine’s Day and all.
I have no doubt that eventually this film would throw in something Ocean’s Eleven if it ran for another thirty minutes.
Noah – yes, a girl named “Noah” – is going to London because mom (Eve Macklin) hooked a serious fish. New dad William (Ray Fearon) owns England or some shit. Noah (Asha Banks) -and no, it isn’t a mispronunciation of “Nora,” it really is “Noah”- is reluctant because she leaves behind a shitty boyfriend, a shitty girlfriend, and a cool car in Florida. Don’t worry, London has lots of shitty boyfriends, shitty girlfriends, and cool cars to offer.
The first thing it has to offer is Nick (Matthew Broome), Noah’s new stepbrother. He’s all-kinds-of-hunky but is into dangerous games like street racing and bare-knuckle boxing. Noah doesn’t know either of these things when they meet and instantly dislike each other. In fact, the unpleasantness lasted so long, I questioned whether I was watching a romance. You’ve been warned. These two are mean to one-another for at least twenty minutes until somebody reminds them they’re in a romance.
By that time, Noah steals Nick’s third car – oh, and Nick was a self-made zillionaire at age 17. He doesn’t have to beg from dad. Because of course – Noah then races Nick’s bully. And wouldn’t you know it? Noah has mad street racing skills because her genetic father is racecar driving jailbird who taught her everything he knows.
Geez, this is already stupid … and I haven’t gotten to Fight Club. It doesn’t matter. Noah is
hot. Nick is hotter. Together, they eventually make a hot and disturbingly incestuous couple. And the film keeps moving because it feared we’d think about the romance too much. Otherwise, I mean, you know how every quality love story ends up in a kidnapping, right?
I’m being kind to My Fault: London. This is a terrible movie that doesn’t work on pretty much every level. Yet, I couldn’t fault My Fault for trying. If I told you the protagonist would be threatened with the removal of his younger genetic sister should he continue to bare-knuckle box would you guess this film is a romance? And seeing how Nick treats his stepsister, maybe it’s a good thing to keep some distance between he and his genetic sister, huh? I don’t really have anything good to say about My Fault: London, but if would be hard to trash the film even more than it trashes itself.
There was once a young woman called Noah
Into STP much more than a boa
When her mother re-web
She found her new bro’s bed
Should have shipped that girl off to Samoa
Not Rated, 119 Minutes
Director: Charlotte Fassler, Dani Girdwood
Writer: Melissa Osborne
Genre: I think this is a romance, so what’s with Fast n Furious Fight Club?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: How desperate are you for hot youngsters?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: :SMH: … at everything
