Where did they get a horse? I mean, they’re in an open Mad Max-type wasteland. You just escaped murderous evil minions through a successful chasm avoidance. What? The other side just has horses hanging around for your pleasure?
The key to In the Lost Lands is not getting hung on details as the overarching story also sucks. Based on a short story by George R.R. Martin, the film matches a witch and a hunter to navigate a desert world in search of a werewolf – although none of that is quite clear without a wiki synopsis.
The film starts with witch Gray Alys (Milla Jovovich) being hung by a religious-themed foe in medieval setting. When she escapes, because of course she does. [We all know that once that standing block is removed it’s about a 50/50 shot for life.] And then guns are produced. Oh. I see. It’s not medieval. It’s the future-past or the past-future depending on how you want to look at it.
Naturally, the queen of whatever godforsaken land this is tasks Gray Alys to go to the Lost Lands -an area even more godforsaken, if that is to be believed. I mean, seriously, this universe starts at level Cleveland and only gets worse from there. In the Lost Lands, this witch-her must retrieve the essence of a werewolf, because why not?
Despite being universally loved and being able to con anybody with just a glance, Ms. Perfect Being is gonna need some help to navigate Mad Max world, and so collects Boyce (Dave Bautista), a hunter with connections. Well … a hunter with a sense of direction and a love for a two-headed snake that gets lost early on. Hey! Where does he get another two-headed snake?
Gray Alys has face tattoos that intersect a bit and cross the bridge of her nose; the effect is that her face resembles an unfinished crossword puzzle. And she has the ability to turn the heart of anyone who locks eyes with her which reaches an apogee of silly when knock-off Skeletor falls in love with her during a fire battle. Meanwhile, Boyce and Gray Alys traverse the elements in poorly coordinated fight scenes, the best 
of which takes place on a bus tram overlooking a gaping hole in the Earth, or wherever it is these jokers live. I openly questioned where they got a horse after the battle when I should have questioned how they repair the damage – these jerks always -literally- burn bridges. Have you ever considered how much effort it took to erect the bridge in the first place? You’re really sticking it to an already decimated culture, movie people.
In the Lost Lands is not to be taken seriously on any level. How can one tell? With dialogue like, “We’re two of a kind. I could see it in your eyes.” This is how I know I could never be an actor, because there’s no way I could deliver such a line without laughing out loud. No matter how many takes it took. Jovovich has done better. Bautista has done better George R.R. Martin has done better, and writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson has done better. These people should all be thankful this MST3K film didn’t go straight to streaming.
There was once a witch named Alys
Given instructions directly by palace
“Collect yourself a drifter
And go find a shape-shifter”
In a land overly replete with malice
Rated R, 101 Minutes
Director: Paul W.S. Anderson
Writer: Constantin Werner, Paul W.S. Anderson, George R.R. Martin
Genre: Our screwed future/past?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I’m thinking you gotta really love Milla Jovovich
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “They need a better stunt team”
