So you wanna explore space, huh? Maybe find that hidden Class M planet that hits the sweet spot? Maybe do a little terraforming to make it all Earth-like? Then, like, maybe invite 8 Billion of your friends, family, and planet-mates to come stay for a while? Sure, of course you do.
But there’s a catch.
There’s always a catch.
And today it comes in the form of a murder mystery that goes something like: “What the Hell happened on the Bad Ship Lollipop, huh?”
Riya (Eiza González) wakes up bloodied, alone, and memory-challenged. She’s on a spaceship; that much is clear, and cursory investigation shows that everybody else aboard is … dead? Well, that would kinda freak me out. Especially if I had no idea what role I played in the massacre.
That’s a pretty good opening, no? Wake up bloody and forgetful and have to put together the pieces … what could go wrong?
Rats. I wish I hadn’t asked. Apparently, direction and storytelling clarity was mishandled by (checks notes) “Flying Lotus.” I guess I’ve missed the storied career of Flying Lotus up to this point. After seeing Ash, I’d happily keep it that way.
What followed was bloody and confusing, which is not a 
great combination. Here’s what I understood: Yes, the ship did land on a seemingly Earthling-friendly planet. Yes, it had to be terraformed for true compatibility, but that part seemed to be going well. Then, well, insanity. And in the meantime, Jesse from “Breaking Bad” showed up, but he didn’t even have any meth to make this mess better. What followed appeared to be a script the Alien people turned down.
I went into Ash hoping for something of the Evil Dead variety, for obvious reason. I was treated to an Alien knockoff in every sense of the word. This is a film in which you’re not sure how tense you should be because you don’t know enough about what’s going on to have a rooting interest. I think this script was about four re-writes from satisfactory.
There was once a space explorer named Riya
Who woke bloody without an idea
Exploring instead
She found everyone dead
At that point, I would have been, “See ya!”
Rated R, 95 Minutes
Director: Flying Lotus (you’re kidding me, right?)
Writer: Johnni Remmler
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Sadistic aliens?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Space explorers
