They’re violent; they’re angry; they’re fanged carnivores. And now they’ve got their attention laser-focused on the dudes who killed their baby. Who are they? Unicorns. And who killed their baby? Paul Rudd.
Uh oh.
Elliot (Rudd) is a corporate tool. He and his daughter Ridley (Jenna Ortega) are spending a weekend at the remote forested estate of the Leopolds, a wealthy family who define themselves by the power and lifestyle wealth had given them. Old Man Leopold (Richard E. Grant) is on death’s door, but that won’t stop him from playing God a few more times.
On the way to the estate -and I swear this is the 10th upscale remote forested retreat this year already- Elliot hits … a deer? Oh no, not a deer. Clearly it’s a unicorn. Not a great move, Elliot. The creature appears to be recovering and Ridley communes with it telepathically, which is brought to a halt when Elliot beats the thing with a tire iron, seemingly killing it.
Well, what do you do with the unicorn you’ve beaten to death? Put it in the car, of course! Sure, take that corpse for a ride. I’m not sure why Elliot does anything he does in the first half of this film. All I know is I really loathed this particular Paul Rudd character for a while. Can’t remember the last time I loathed a Paul Rudd character, can you?
Turns out, unicorns are more like Wolverine. They heal well beyond imagination, and the one they hit was a baby. Wait until the parents show up. By this time, however, the Leopolds own the thing, and are using it for marketing purposes. While clan Leopold is busy extrapolating the price that can be summoned for healing the world’s physical maladies, Ridley is busy discovering that all of this is a bad idea, much like the film itself.
I mean, seriously, who greenlit a film on the premise of aggressive, angry unicorns taking bloody revenge out on ill-meaning idiots?
That said … bad ideas don’t necessarily make bad films. Despite Rudd’s initial barbarism, feckless parenting, and toadying 
sycophantism, he comes around … just, don’t make me hate Rudd again, film. We also get this priceless observation from tree-hugging Ridley: “Philanthropy is reputation laundering for the oligarchy.” Oh yeah. Nailed it. Especially after seeing the crowd of ultra-wealthy douchebags kiss the Trump ring these past few months. Sorry, there’s no amount of philanthropy that will compensate for showing up at the inauguration of Trump II. None … but you f***ers could try, instead of happily sending the world to Hell in a flood of bad policy.
I digress. Death of a Unicorn was bloody and silly and not super. But it did prove amusing from time-to-time, and it did kill off a bunch of ultra-rich assholes, which I find fairly cathartic at the moment. I don’t advocate such, I just find it satisfying in fictional form. Tepid approval for this film; probably a good way to kill a lazy afternoon when you can stream it for free.
There was once a teenager named Ridley
Whose father’s integrity squatted diddly
Then a unicorn came
Nothing was the same
I’d encourage these two to get off the grid-ly
Rated R, 107 Minutes
Director: Alex Scharfman
Writer: Alex Scharfman
Genre: Fantastical Beasts and Where to F*** Them
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Unicorns?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Hunters
