Alfred Hitchcock once said, “Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.” Eephus is the dull bits with life cut out. I’m baffled by how inconsequential this film is. I’ve seen children’s cartoons about friendship that were more consequential than this film… I’ve seen beer commercials that were more consequential than this film … I’ve seen crossword puzzles that were more consequential than this film.
This could quite possibly be the most nothing I’ve ever seen … and I’ve watched amateur lawn bowling.
For 98 minutes, middle-aged men played bad baseball on screen and “told jokes.” Writer/director Carson Lund did effectively convey the feel of middle-aged men playing baseball. Yup. This guy made exactly the movie he wanted to make. Did he not notice the stands were all-but-empty? Because “middle-age men playing baseball” isn’t entertaining. At all. Anywhere. Any time. Even to this middle-aged man. Hell, I am the TARGET AUDIENCE – somebody who has played a ton of amateur athletics, seen a ton of movies, and knows enough about baseball to know you don’t hold a runner on when second base is occupied (which happened in the film). And I found this film godawful dull.
The scene is a baseball field in New Hampshire (?) in mid-October and two strictly amateur squads – the Riverdogs and Adlers Paint – yes, those are highly mismatched team names, which I suppose adds a small amount of authenticity and/or charm. In addition, the uniforms are not all uniform suggesting several iterations of such over the years – again adding a small amount of authenticity and/or charm.
But that’s where the charm ends. Period.
The film gave us nine innings of middle-aged men playing baseball and talking about things one talks about while playing baseball. The game doesn’t matter. The men don’t matter. Their conversations don’t matter. The action didn’t matter. At one point, a woman *gasp* shows up, says one line and leaves, bored. Yup. That tracks. I mean, if you genuinely find this film entertaining, I invite you to go watch an adult softball game for fun.
Can you imagine anybody actually doing that? Because I can’t. Well, I dunno, maybe you find random nothing conversations about manhole covers entertaining. Maybe you find the term “designated non-hitter” funny. Maybe little league is just a little too intense for you.
Oh, and the baseball is bad. Horrible. It’s “gimme a bat” bad. It’s “any random high school in America could produce a squad that would demolish either of these teams” bad. It’s “I have no idea why this group is so sexist; there are thousands upon thousands of American women who wouldn’t 
be caught dead playing on this level” bad.
I suppose I mildly enjoyed the cameo from 78-year-old Bill Lee, but then I read his autobiography Spaceman: A Baseball Odyssey back in the 1980s. Without that background – and quite literally no substantial background is provided here for any of the players – it’s just a slightly older man making weekend warrior doofs look silly. One (1) home run is hit in the game, and yeah, that was movie magic. I’ve seen enough home runs to know that, IRL, the ball barely lifted past the infield.
Eephus refers to ball thrown so slowly and at such a high arc the batter is fooled by it. When it was first described to me decades ago, it was called a “nothing” pitch. That seems right – a nothing film. Nothing happens here that anyone will remember or care about. You’ll never watch this film again, because why would you? If you cared, you’d just go down to a public park during summer and get the same information, which is to say, none. But who would do that? Certainly not me.
There were once about twenty grown men
Who played baseball again and again
Action? Not expedious
In fact, I’d say “tedious”
And then mercifully it ended. Amen
Not Rated, 98 Minutes
Director: Carson Lund
Writer: Michael Basta, Nate Fisher, Carson Lund
Genre: Movies to sleep to
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The kind of guy who places bets of T-ball
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who likes stories
