It would appear that nobody involved considered whether or not Snow White was a tale worth telling once, let alone again. It isn’t. Combine that thought with the most off-putting animation since Polar Express and Disney laid a big fat egg just in time for Easter.
Ugh. Where to begin? We open in a snowstorm with the queen giving birth in a carriage while wearing her crown. Obviously, I’ve never given birth before, so I don’t know protocol, but I guarantee I’d never wear a crown while the baby is crowning. The king and queen live in a land so benevolent they can sing about it and have issues so mundane they can dedicate their energies to baking apple pie for the community at large. Sure, they live in the big palace, but … c’mon, who wants pie?
It’s Disney film, so the secret is getting rid of the parents as soon as possible which is achieved when mom contracts cancer of the adagio and dad marries a conniving shrew. The Evil Step-Queen (Gal Gadot) makes quick work of dad, sending him to fight a war or something, leaving herself to rule, which she does from time-to-time. Evil Queen is a sorceress deriving her power from -and I’m not kidding here- a “magic mirror,” which itself has only one power: to let evil queen know on a daily basis that she’s still smokin’ hot.
She is, of course. It’s Gal Gadot.
This whole thing bugs me – I understand the Trump parallel; an ultimate ruler who is so incredibly vain they need constant reinforcement? Why doesn’t she do what Trump does – just hire sycophants? And the mirror’s one power is to say who is the “fair”-est in the land? How useful is that power to anyone, really? It’s like your one power is being an “American Idol” judge.
However, that silliness aside, Snow White is still tolerable at this point. Snow White herself (Rachel Zegler as adult, Emilia Faucher as child) is the orphaned daughter of the apple-pie slinging king and queen. Subject to evil queen, Snow has to do castle chores, awwwww. Matters not, but now that Snow White is an adult, the mirror has decided it’s above a May-December thing and declares Snow White the fairest. Enraged, the queen encourages Snow White to go select her best apple-picking ball gown so she can be killed mid-pick. That doesn’t happen, unfortunately, and the film goes straight down the toilet from this point forward. First, Snow White escapes and pulls a Goldilocks at the house of the seven dwarves. Then, brace yourself: There is shockingly bad CGI here. Dopey himself looks so much like Alfred E. Neuman that every time he’s on screen, I think I just opened MAD Magazine.
Don’t get me started on what motivates this septet of zeroes. Yeah, you got yourselves
a good worksong or two, but … dare I ask: What exactly are you working for, fellas? You have an entire mine filled with priceless jewels … none of which you’ve invested or even used in decoration. You’ve lived for 300 years and you’re still manual laborers? Do you just like carrying pick-axes? I don’t understand any of this.
Then, while Snow White is contemplating the botched kingdom politics and assassination attempt on her life, the movie gives us twenty minutes of “singin’ with dwarves.” After that, Snow White stumbles onto the set of Robin Hood, where a mismatched band of anti-royalists wait around to be slaughtered. Her would-be boyfriend, Jonathan (Andrew Burnap), even humbles her with a song entitled “Princess Problems” which is pretty funny until you realize these two are supposed to be falling in love. Oops.
Finally, the film reminds us of the evils of dictatorship (huzzah!) while simultaneously advocating for Snow White as queen … what’s wrong with this picture?
Snow White has never been a good story, but everything bad about it came out in full force for this edition. The dwarves look horrible, the signing is preposterous, and the good-and-fair version of the kingdom looks a great deal like the completely evil version of the kingdom. It’s a kingdom; on some level, it doesn’t matter who is in power if you ain’t got none, son. Sure, Snow White will likely be a better monarch than Evil Queen, but, really, what does it matter if she gets the castle and you get a hovel? Pretty, pretty princesses will see past these flaws. Myself, I cannot.
♪Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, this CGI does blow
Each drarfish snout looks like the gout
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, GOOD GOD, Dopey must go!
His MAD Mag peeps give me the creeps
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho♫
Rated PG, 109 Minutes
Director: Marc Webb
Writer: Erin Cressida Wilson, Jacob Grimm, Wilhelm Grimm
Genre: Tales not worth telling
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: If you’re that into being a Disney princess, well, this probably won’t dissuade you
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “AAAAH! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT CGI?!”
♪ Parody Inspired by “Heigh-Ho”
