When I was a kid, the local Six Flags made a deal with NBC for the rights to the Smurfs. Hence, instead of Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny or the Phillie Phanatic, Six Flags patrons were occasionally subjected to the antics of blue morons without much fashion sense. In between waiting on line for roller coasters, I spent most of my amusement park day trying to kick Papa Smurf in the ass.
Until 2011, this represented, historically, 100% of my thoughts about The Smurfs.
Thanks to The Smurfs movie, now I have more thoughts, like, “WTF?!” Hmmm. Maybe I can put that better. “What the Smurf?!” I’m hardly failing the protocol here; I counted over ten instances in which “Smurf” was used as a euphemism in the film. You see, these muthersmurfing little cocksmurfers use the smurf “smurf” every fifth smurfing word just in case we smurfience members smurfed out or 
smurfthing. Condesmurfing smurfholes.
Enough of that. The Smurfs steals liberally from just about every kid’s film in recent memory, good or not. Cute tiny singing forest morons (Alvin in the Chipmunks) revisiting a mildly popular dated kids TV program (Yogi Bear) are magically transported to Manhattan (Enchanted) where they battle an evil out-of-place wizard in Central Park (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice) all while we learn a special lesson about love (insert your own film here: ____________). And you just had to be there for this almost zen moment of cinematic thievery: Evil wizard Gargamel (Hank Azaria) is put in jail. See if this sounds familiar — imprisoned sorcerer befriends a wandering moth. Sorcerer urges moth to summon eagles to induce escape, which happens in a later scene. Name that movie. Lord of the Rings? What’s that? I suppose if you’re going steal something to this degree, make it a classic. Odds are your Smurf/LotR attendee Venn diagram won’t have much intersection anyway.
Now I’m just learning about these blue cowturds all named after emoticons (Happy Smurf, Grumpy Smurf, Dancing Banana Smurf, etc.) ‘cuz I never paid attention in the 80s. There’s only one girl Smurf (“Smurfette”). Doesn’t it make sense then that this is like a bee colony? Or like Aliens? Smurfette is the Queen and all the others are drones doing her bidding? Now that’s the theft I’d like to see — make Smurfs into an Alien rip-off instead of an Alvin and the Chipmunks rip-off? What’s this? Gargamel created Smurfette? Is this a joke? How do these idiots reproduce? And why do they accept Smurfette? I’m so confused. These are existential questions for a better film … or barring that another film. Go to Hop instead; at least that one has candy.
Rated PG, 103 Minutes
D: Raja Gosnell
W: J. David Stem, David N. Weiss, Jay Scherick, David Ronn (four guys, really?)
Genre: Parental bane
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: One who intends to use the DVD as a future babysitter.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who considered walking out during the previews.
