Everest

On the plus side, I truly believed these folks were climbing Mt. Everest. On the downside, I now believe that without an ounce of training, I, too, could climb Mt. Everest. I mean, looks kinda simple – a few parkas, some spiky shoes and some stickum for the miles and miles of helpful ropes. These guys don’t even go vertical; it’s like walking to Mordor in winter.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Let me get this straight – the peak of Mt. Everest is currently littered with helpful safety ropes allowing lesser climbers to reach the top safely? Doesn’t that, well, kinda detract from the ability to say you scaled to the top of the world?

Don’t get me wrong – climbing Mt. Everest is almost certainly an ordeal, but I expected more from, you know, the mountain. It looks like the weather and the altitude did all the heavy lifting here. I don’t know if it’s still a fad to get your ass as close as it can be to the stars without being airborne; my guess is it is. In the1990s, it was a business; a lucrative and crowded business. Rob Hall (Jason Clarke, getting to use something close to his original accent for the first time in forever) heads the New Zealand based Adventure Consultants and for $65k, he can consult your way up to the heavens. He has a few familiar faces among the takers: mailman Doug Hansen (John Hawkes) and professional Texan Beck Weathers (Josh Brolin). You know Beck’s trip is gonna end in disaster when he shows in Nepal wearing a chronologically appropriate albatross: a “Dole/Kemp ’96” t-shirt.

At base camp, we get to play “who’s on the mountain?” Why, look, there’s Jake Gyllenhaal and Emily Watson and Sam Worthington. It seems everybody wants to be peak bound on May 10.  Exactly May 10, mind you — no sooner, no later.  It is not adequately explained as to why this one day is the only one on the calendar anybody wants – I mean, it’s not like Everest has a day planner: “Hmmm, lessee here, ‘May 7: avalanche, May 8: giant blizzard, May 9: yeti attack – ooh, lookin’ forward to that one – May 10, hmm, I’m free, I suggest you all trace my face with grace in that place.”  But this is clearly the big issue. A test run for the group finds a logjam over an abyss. What’s worse than the weather at 21k feet above sea level? Waiting 45 minutes in 21k feet above sea level.

The conditions are the villain here – we are told right out that the body literally starts dying once it goes above 20k. The goal is to reach the peak no later than 2 pm, but thanks to the mailman’s late arrival (go figure, right?), Clarke and Hawkes are still at the top at 4. This is playing-with-your life kinda stuff. And then the storm blows in. enjoy!

Sometimes life just doesn’t lack for irony – I’m watching a film about people dying; I can put into words the discomfort a person feels at exposure above 20,000 feet elevation: turbulent winds, lack of oxygen, temperatures that invoke the Kelvin scale, snow blindness, an ordeal with every step both coming and going and yet all I could think of at the time was, “these 3D glasses are really uncomfortable.”

Speaking of uncomfortable, two genuine actresses, Keira Knightley and Robin Wright, both get to play the thankless home-by-the-phone role. I suspect Keira was simply taking a New Zealand accent out for a walk, maybe seeing if it was a good fit and all … but these are not quality roles. The “fretting woman at home” is one that never comes off well for anybody. I really hope this was no more than a week off either woman’s calendar (maybe in early May), because both of these women deserve to be on the mountain fighting the elements instead of living vicariously. That’s an audience’s job.

♪I’m climbing up
I want the world to know
Go on and let it snow
I’m climbing up
Looks like the Earth’s my foe
Can’t seem to breathe no mo’

I think this time around
I’m gonna get to peak
Tho’ it might take a week
In weather pattern bleak
There’s a whole lot turning out
And if we want to live
Please be supportive
With schedules unrigid♫

Rated PG-13, 121 Minutes
D: Baltasar Kormákur
W: William Nicholson, Simon Beaufoy
Genre: Man v. man v. nature
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Mrs. Everest
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Acrophobes. I suggest you folks avoid the previews for The Walk while you’re at it.

♪ Parody inspired by “I’m Coming Out”