Vampires come from an island. Oh, well, that makes sense, I suppose. I mean, they gotta come from somewhere, right? Why not a gloomy Gibraltar-like rock cave where the adjoining falls menstruate to celebrate every new bloodbirth?
Byzantium is a tough film to talk about because I swear nothing happens for the first hour. So while I enjoyed the film more than I didn’t, it’s a spoiler to talk about anything I enjoyed about the film. What is up with that?
Clara (Gemma Arterton) and Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan) are a mother-daughter vampire tag team. Are they actual mother-daughter, or is this just one of those conveniently labeled vampire-siring relationships? These two have slowly eaten their way to a crummy English beach town. Clara, who hasn’t managed to shed whoredom for her first few centuries, is kinda wild while Eleanor is the Jack Kervorkian of vampires – she stalks old folks’ homes and eats only those who are “ready.” These two are wanted by the vampire Feds, but it’s hard to take that storyline seriously when they’ve gone generations without being caught. Lacking for shelter, the two befriend a loser (Daniel Mays) who owns and shares the dilapidated and vacant Byzantium (we have a title!) Hotel.
Well, this brings up an interesting question – humans in vampire movies die. That’s pretty much what happens. Is the brief companionship of two vamps worth the price? No, probably not. Note to self – if lonely and inheriting a rat trap, still check references.
Eleanor can’t wait to tell her li’l vampire story, constantly writing it down and throwing it away hoping someone will notice. One day she attracts a human under the age of 90 (a first for her), a sickly college student named Frank (Caleb Landry Jones). Frank has leukemia, and his medication makes him a hemophiliac. You’d think this would be like Christma
s for a vampire, but not Eleanor. What are you, too good to drink Frank? Yeah, she just uses him to get professors to read her story — finally, an audience!
It’s about this time we finally get some freaking backstory to explain these folks. And it’s about this time that I have to shut up because everything else is a spoiler. WTF, movie? I’m never going to love Neil Jordan. OTOH, I don’t think I’ve ever detested a Neil Jordan film. I can’t make that claim about a whole lot of established directors.
There was a time in which I was convinced Saoirse Ronan was the next great new actress. I was sure she was the next Katniss. I thought her role in Hanna was practically an audition for the part … and a damn good one. I was wrong about that, and very glad to be so. I like Saoirse, truly I do. But she so often falls back on “deer in the headlights” acting that it would be hard to take her Katniss seriously. While Saoirse Ronan’s natural reaction to a foreign element is to stare blankly/thoughtfully, Jennifer Lawrence’s natural response to stimuli is to be pissed off – that’s Katniss to a T. Sorry, Saoirse. The Hunger Games wasn’t for you. Question is – where are you going to carve out your legacy?
Poor little vampires all on the run
The usual bloodlust just ain’t no fun
Is their carotid joy about to be done?
Hard to peace-kill when under the gun
Rated R, 118 Minutes
D: Neil Jordan
W: Moira Buffini
Genre: The soul of the soulless
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Forgotten vampires
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Their victims
