Well gosh. This should please my generation. Han, Leia, Chewie, Luke – dudes, we’re getting the band back together again! Honestly, I think that’s about all you needed to appease my people. And it’s a good thing, too, because while Star Wars: The Force Awakens is worth seeing … it’s worth seeing exactly once. There wasn’t a single scene in this film that made me say, “I gotta see that again.” That’s ok. That describes a lot of good films; it just doesn’t describe great ones.
Rey (Daisy Ridley) is a scavenger on planet Mad Max. She spends her days collecting junk from destroyed destroyers and trading it for food. And then an adorable robot with secret information turns her life upside-down. (The MacGuffin here is the map to the hidden lair of last remaining
Jedi, Luke Skywalker) If this sounds like Star Wars Episode IV, that’s only because it is. I’m personally envisioning Lawrence Kasdan and J.J. Abrams meticulously consulting the original Tatooine with one of them periodically shouting, “Can we get some more sand up in this bitch?”
I like this twist – defecting Storm Trooper Finn (John Boyega) suddenly decides he’s not part of team evil and busts rebellion pilot Poe (Oscar Isaac) out of torture; the two head for Rey’s planet. We can tell immediately that Finn wasn’t cut out to be a Storm Trooper because the first time we see him shoot, he hits what he’s aiming at. “Soldier, where did you learn that? Disgraceful.” Do we get to question why Finn is black? I thought all Storm Troopers were clones of that one Jango Fett guy – is that not the story any more? I’m confused.
And what is Domhnall Gleeson doing in this film?! Did the Empire have some sort of ginger diversity hiring quota?
Turns out Rey is a talented pilot and a novice user of the force. She steals the Millennium Falcon to get out of Dodge with her new rogue friend. Man, where have I seen this plot before? Oh yes. We need a villain. Hmmmm. How about an Empire Sith Lord Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) covered head to toe in menacing black? Wait a sec. Aren’t all the force users dead? [deadpan]Gee, I wonder whose child he could be.[/deadpan] And, oh yeah, K-Ren is stimpied upon the new Death Star. Another Death Star. Really? That’s three Death Stars in the last four episodes (chronologically speaking). Are you sure about this? Of course you are. In a massive case of “dance with who brung ya,” Star Wars: The Force Awakens may well have awakened the force, but the plot guys hit the snooze alarm and caught another twelve parsecs.
Whom do you suppose insures a Death Star? Those things have a life expectancy of our collective love for Jar Jar Binks.
And, of course, once the Falcon shows up, you know Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew)and Leia (Carrie Fisher) ain’t far behind. My big question here is not where Han 
and Leia screwed up their parental responsibilities: that’s par for the Force. My question is why has Leia, with brother Luke disappeared, not developed her own Force powers? I mean, it would be one thing if she spent middle age at Princess Conventions and crocheted little Jedi booties, but she didn’t. She is still a General in the rebellion. You don’t think The Force might come in handy there once in a while? This ain’t the one ring, Princess. The Force can be used for both good and bad. If nothing else, you’d think she’d develop it just to keep her spouse in line:
Han (Grabbing the keys to the Millennium Falcon): Me and Chewie are gonna grab some brews down at the Antares system. Later.
Leia: When are you going to be back?
Han: I dunno. Lightyear or two maybe. Whatever.
Leia (waves hand): You don’t want to go out tonight.
Han: I do
n’t want to go out tonight.
Leia: You want to do the dishes and clean the bathroom.
Han: I want to do the dishes and clean the bathroom.
Leia: Oh, that’s so sweet of you, Han. Love ya, honey.
I cared about Rey and Finn in this film. That’s two more characters than I cared about in all of the prequel trilogy. While the gauntlet was thrown down decades ago by sharply written (if perhaps not-so-sharply acted – I’m lookin’ at you, Mark Hamill) characters and truly suspenseful moments, Star Wars: The Force Awakens does have some moments, but mostly feels like well-considered fan fiction. I’d be surprised if I’m referencing Episode VII a decade from now for any reasons other than audience reaction.
♪My name is Luke-ah
I visited the moon Endor
Here’s a tale ‘bout finding me
Yes, I think you’ve seen this before
If you see something like Artoo
An adorable sphere, it’s new
Just don’t ask it where I am
Just don’t ask it where I am
Just don’t ask it where I am
I think it’s because the writing’s lazy
This “Rey” is obviously me
Even when she comes in guns a-blazey
Hey, it’s just like Cloud City
They only hit expendables
On that point, dependables
Just don’t think about “how come?”
Just don’t think about “how come?”
Just don’t think about “how come?”
Yes, I think it’s ok
Yeah, we’ve got Vader again
If you ask, that’s what I’ll say
It does great business anyway
I guess I’d like to ‘pine alone
Tell you when I think the “in” is phoned
Just don’t argue with the trolls
Just don’t argue with the trolls
Just don’t argue with the trolls♫
Rated PG-13, 135 Minutes
D: J.J. Abrams
W: Lawrence Kasdan, J.J. Abrams and Michael Arndt
Genre: Atonement
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People who convinced themselves six months ago that this was Best Picture material
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: George Lucas
♪ Parody inspired by “Luka”
