These spirits have some serious hygiene issues. Look, you other-world douchebags, I don’t care what dimension you crawled out of; in this one, we don’t leave handprints on fresh towels, the walls, or the coed … capisce? Now, wipe that s*** up before you go hauntin’ my place. Seriously. Did I mess up your sacred rock cave? I don’t think so … well aside from my autistic son taking your engraved spiritual stones, that is. Ok, Ok, but that doesn’t make it even … do you see the bedspread? Do.you.see.it?
Kevin Bacon takes the fam to the not-so-Grand Canyon and returns home with a stiff neck, some road rage and a curse in The Darkness. Actually, I’m not positive it’s his family, it could just be some guys who know a guy who knows a guy who knows Kevin Bacon. Autistic son Mikey (David Mazouz) literally stumbles across some sacred rocks and, by collecting them, releases the version of Hell honored by the Anasazis, a Native American tribe barely clinging to relevance in the Southwestern United States.
The Anasazi spirits like doing things off screen. Mostly, they unleash Hell on Earth by leaving water faucets running. I know you think this isn’t much, but we’re in a draught, people, a serious draught. That is totally wasteful; what, do you think water grows on trees? I think not. Mikey is taken with the shadowy Anasazi quintet, consistently staring at blank walls and insisting his homeghoul “Jenny” is doing stuff. I think the next step is where she sucks him into a TV, except I’m not sure this cheap-ass film could afford one.
I wonder how much money it takes to film a horror. I mean, really. Take this one, for instance. Get rid of actor salaries and it can’t be more than $1M, can it? Film some rocks. Film some shadows. Get a house – doesn’t even need to be finished. Got to prop a dirt floor to cave in, set fire to a wall, create edible ink that the kid can dribble. A little crow wrangling, wolf wrangling, Bacon wrangling. Can’t believe any of that stuff costs much. The Anasazi spirits here come in five animal flavors: coyote, crow, wolf, buffalo, snake. Guess which two were not in The Darkness. No, go on, guess. Here’s a hint: the producers were penny-pinching bastards.
Now in case you got lost in this fascinating web of intrigue, the modern age has invented a new form of exposition: the youtube video. All you need is a concerned character and a big plot hole in need of explanation. The
trick is filling the video itself with any scientific-sounding crap that an audience might buy. We’re not solving anything here; we’re just explaining. Does it matter the perfectly-tailored explanation is a bunch of hooey? Of course not. Everybody knows that whatever you discover spirituality on-line, it’s true; otherwise, why would it be on-line?
The arrival of the Poltergeist hunter instigates the use of Spanish in The Darkness. Speaking Spanish because, why? That’s what the Anasazis spoke? You may as well be incanting in Urdu, Swahili or Pig Latin. “Well, we used Spanish because while it lends no air of authenticity, it isn’t English and it’s a good bet the Anasazi didn’t speak English. Hey, worked for The Duke.” Yeah. This is a cheap film. It wasn’t well plotted, written, acted, researched, or executed. I mostly feel sorry for Kevin Bacon and Paul Reiser, both of whom have clearly outlived their screen usefulness. I feel sorry for Radha Mitchell … less.
Zero body count in a horror film is lame. So were the notable throng of discount props. But at least this wasn’t found footage.
Some magical stones did young Mikey heist
The spirits released showed lethargic feist
These buggers cause stress
And leave inky mess
I saw this when it was called ‘Poltergeist’
Rated PG-13, 92 Minutes
D: Greg McLean
W: Shayne Armstrong, Shane Krause, Greg McLean
Genre: ♪Don’t bring it home, no, no. Don’t you bring it home♫
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The Anasazi Indian support group
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who need more horror in their horror
