God is Belgian. And He’s an asshole. Huh. Learn somethin’ new every day, doncha? Unshaven, unkempt and constantly hanging about in a bathrobe, our Lord Almighty (Benoît Poelvoorde) lives with His wife and daughter in a small Brussels apartment. In this exit-challenged locale, God, in fact, exhibits many behaviors humans do not treasure; He’s slothful, He’s petty, He’s angry, He’s pedantic, He’s abusive to His family and He gets His jollies inventing annoyances: e.g. “bread with jam will always fall jam-side down” or “the line you’re in will always move the slowest.” He has literally thousands of these sent by computer (don’t ask how) to irk His creation.
His daughter, Ea (Pili Groyne, which is less a name than a punchline in a blue comedy club) has had enough. She consults His late son, Jesus –or “JC” as Ea calls
him—for advice. It’s time for Ea to make a break, get some apostles, and scribe The Brand New Testament. What should she write? She doesn’t have to – all the apostles will do all the writing. How many apostles? Well, JC had a dozen, which makes for a good ice hockey game. But mom (Yolande Moreau) prefers baseball. God only allows the watching of sports at home. So, if Ea gets six apostles, then together the eighteen apostles together can play a game of baseball. Six it is.
I don’t have to tell you loved this movie, right?
Before Ea flies the coop, however, she needs a big act of defiance which comes in the form of texting every mortal their death date. When people know exactly when they’re going to die, God loses a great deal of control; His reaction is not unlike Trumpelthinskin’s when anybody tweets something mean about the President-elect. Ea then escapes out a wormhole in the back of the washing machine, and goes in search Belgian waffles apostles.
If you knew exactly when you were going to die, what would you do differently? I suppose it might matter when exactly that date was. Brand New Testament finds several answers to that very question, but none more unique than Martine (Catherine Deneuve), who takes up bestiality. You read that right. Call this a spoiler if you will, but as spirituality strikes to the inner core of many of us, you should know a few things about this film before attempting it.
Theologically speaking, I’m not 
sure BNT is going to bring sides to a table or put an exclamation point on an argument. This film is, after all, mostly comedy. While the perspective is humor, however, the commentary is subtle. How offended are you at the idea of a spiteful, slovenly All Powerful Deity? Are you a fan of predestination? How do you feel about the nature of God in general? (And assuming you believe Jesus was the son of God), do you see Jesus’ work on Earth as delivering God’s true message or as a more rose-colored-slant? Yes, yes, there are many other assumptions I’ve made in that last question. Point is, you can enjoy this film for the comedrama by itself, and you can enjoy it as a minor theological or existential conversation kick starters. Either way, this is a great film for those not easily offended and one of my favorite times at the theater in 2016.
♪If God had a sport what would it be?
And would you want to play?
Knowing that He might smite completely
What would you do if He bet on your rival?
And yeah, yeah, God’s a tool
Yeah, yeah, God’s a jerk
And yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah
What if God was très unjust?
Just a force you couldn’t trust
A dude who leaves you non-plussed
While His planet you roam♫
Rated R, 112 Minutes
D: Jaco Van Dormael
W: Thomas Gunzig, Jaco Van Dormael
Genre: Irreverence
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Open-minded theologians
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Strict Christians
♪ Parody inspired by “One of Us”
