Ok, suppose I told you there was period piece coming out Christmas starring Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Charlotte Rampling, and Jeremy Irons. Wait. Not just any period piece; it’s set in 1492 in Spain. It’s a picture about Columbus, right? Some sort of revisionist history as told through Catholic eyes, like those of Martin Scorsese … or some epic a-religious tale maybe sponsored by James Cameron, right?
Hah! Sucker! It’s a video game! Assassin’s Creed is a video game adaptation. And, not content to evolve from such grandiose roots, this picture is incredibly confusing and pointless. I can but trust your Nintendo experience will be superior.
Let’s start with the Assassins. They are an ancient anti-Templar guild set to bring about good by thwarting the evil brought by the Templars in the name of good. Wait. It gets better. See, there’s this thing called the Apple of Eden, which contains the genetic code for free will. Whaaaaaa? Forget it; they’re rolling. The Templars want the Apple to eliminate all pain and suffering; the Assassins believe (as we all should, of course) in free will. So, back up. The Assassins are the good guys who bring about good by doing evil to thwart the Templars who do good things that are really evil in the name of good that is actually evil when you think about it. And this all started happening centuries ago, but continues today through people reliving moments through interactive time traveling machines from genetic matches of people who lived centuries ago.
I have a headache.
Ok. Screw that. Start simpler. Cal (Michael Fassbender). As a kid, he sees hooded Assassin dad kill mom and has to flee his home for his own safety. Not from dad who just killed mom, but from the Templarssassins come to take him?! Nope. This isn’t getting any clearer. FF twenty years. The Texas penal system is executing Cal for murder. And we are going to explore why Cal is currently on death row … no? Um, ok. Small point I suppose. Lethal injection happens, but instead of dying from the inaptly named lethal injection, Cal wakes in some sort of mental ward in Spain. Wondering now how this sits with Texans knowing that dudes you execute could be living in Spain at this very moment. Cal has been selected by the institute to channel a man named Aguilar, a 15th Century Assassin who came into contact with this Apple of Eden. This coup “works” because Cal is a genetic match for Aguilar and Cal can relive the past by affixing himself to a giant human claw gizmo. It’s pretty neat; it’s like a giant prize capture machine where you can only win a Michael Fassbender.
The good stuff is 15th C. Michael Fassbender kicking ass and taking nombres. Only a masochist could or would follow the modern plot line about Templar control of the masses. Shame, because all the potential acting is in the present: Irons, Rampling and Brendan Gleeson. Hmmm. I like all those people. Maybe I should try understanding again — This is anti-Templar film, yes? Templars as in dudes like Tom Hanks from three Dan Brown movies, yes? You’re telling me he was really a bad guy? Nobody c
ares about those films. Nobody. Not even Ron Howard and he made them. You’ve made an antithesis to a non-existent thesis. What would G.W.F. Hegel have to say about that?
There’s a “South Park” episode where the boys go to great lengths to retrieve a new Game Cube video system, recently hijacked from the quartet. The lengths include a military conspiracy to manipulate a genetically modified sentient towel (“Towelie”) to infiltrate some other … Hell I forget. Point is, in tracking down their video game system, the boys are constantly running into armed combat, scientists and conspirators with hidden agendas. The running gag is that while every group attempts to enlighten the boys to “the truth,” the kids don’t give a shit; all they want is the Game Cube. This is exactly what I think of the plot to Assassin’s Creed – don’t give a shit. Show me Michael Fassbender kicking ass in two different centuries and maybe I’ll pay attention.
♪A man walks armed and neat
On a street in a strange world
Maybe it’s the Old World
Maybe it’s the fifteenth century
I don’t speak the language
I hold no currency
I am a foreign man
I have to slaughter all around
Around
Cattle in the armada
Dismemberment and beheadings
Mr. Torquemada Torquemada
Get these nuts away from me
I don’t belong in the watch ward anymore
If you’ll be a color guard
I can make this war central
I am armed and ready
And Templars when I run you
You can call me Cal♫
Rated PG-13, 115 Minutes
D: Justin Kurzel
W: Michael Lesslie and Adam Cooper & Bill Collage (I usually take care of my bill collage after payday)
Genre: Counter-counter truth
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno. Video gamers, maybe?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Historians
♪ Parody inspired by “You Can Call Me Al”
