Turns out there’s another Stephen King adaptation in the theater these days; who knew? Of course, this one isn’t “horror” so much … unless you compare to It quality-wise. Point is we’re in another Kingloop, so buckle up and prepare to be alternatively filled with wonder and ennui.
Hoo boy, this is gonna require some explanation – ok, there are multiple worlds. Some are kinda cool, like ours, and some suck ass like the negative world in “Stranger Things.” There’s this tower, The Dark Tower to be exact, which acts as a keystone to all the worlds – knock it down and every world gets uglier than a Boxtrolls sequel. Matthew McConaughey is the devil, see? Heck, we knew that from Failure to Launch. Anyway, he wants to knock the big tower down like a giant game of skittles, but since the tower itself is as much myth as real, you can’t just walk over with Miley Cyrus strapped to a wrecking ball and expect to get the job done. No, it takes children. Psychic children. How has Walter (McConaughey) collected a bunch of psychic tower-wrecking children? Dunno. Maybe he has Dionne Warwick locked in cell somewhere making nefarious connections. That’s what friends are for.
So, check it out, Walter the devil has id’d the psychic kid who can make the tower fall. Woohoo! Unfortunately for Walter, Jake (Tom Taylor) is indeed psychic and the kid doesn’t want any part of Wally World. Luckily, in a portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, Jake finds Roland (Idris Elba), a gunslinger. Roland is also no friend of Walter as latter literally killed a family reunion. In short: Wally wants the kid. Roland wants Wally. The kid wants a life that doesn’t involve a Stephen King narrative – so aligns himself with Roland for convenience.
Ok, now I can talk about this film. Except, of course, that I’ve forgotten it. The Dark Tower leaves an impression on the psyche like glow-in-the-dark decals. Oh, I suppose there was a scene or two I enjoyed, but when I close my eyes, the film is gone and it doesn’t reappear when I open them. I don’t feel great about this as The Dark Tower had some prime parental death that should have left an impression; yet I feel like mom here existed for the sole purpose of being sacrificed. The relationship between parent and child in The Dark Tower is not biologically or geographically convenient – it is between boy and gunslinger. We know this when Jake reminds Roland of the gunslinger creed:
“Neither snow, nor rain, nor gloom of night …”
Wait. That’s not it.
“On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country …”
Nope. That’s not it, either.
“He who smelt it, dealt it.”
Hmmmm. Still not it. But I think I’m closer. It was something about how a gunslinger kills people not with bullets, but with the face of his 
father … or something like that. I’m not sure. The whole thing seemed a little self-righteous, morbid, and just a tad: “don’t blame me; it’s the creed.”
As a matinee aimed at a sub-fifteen-year-old crowd of boys, The Dark Tower might suffice. Since we rarely make Westerns these days, the insatiable need for a good v. evil duel with pistols and pawns is met here, more-or-less. However, and I cannot stress this enough – the movie setting itself up for sequel is a huge mistake. Neither Elba nor McConaughey put enough into their roles to give more than a mild echo effect. I couldn’t tell you the first thing about what Tom Taylor looks like. He – I think I remember a “he”– could pass me in the street tomorrow wearing his exact Dark Tower wardrobe and I’d sooner notice a stranded quarter in the gutter.
♪Do you know Matthew McConaughey
I know a guy who says, “All right. Hey hey.”
I couldn’t spell the name “McConaughey”
Just didn’t care to learn the proper way
El Lay is a great big sinkhole
Invest a hundred mil in that bizarre
Put him by Kate Hudson; he’ll be a star
Weeks turn into years. You’re still an ass
And this career disgrace of yours
You’re making films that have no class
Check it out Matthew McConaughey
Found dignity and made some hay, hay-hay
I’ll admit that guy McConaughey
Has got some talent, now can he go away? ♫
Rated PG-13, 95 Minutes
Director: Nikolaj Arcel
Writer: Akiva Goldsman & Jeff Pinkner and Anders Thomas Jensen & Nikolaj Arcel
Genre: The fantasy that takes three paragraphs to explain
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Die hard Idris Elba fans
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Die hard Stephen King fans
♪ Parody Inspired by “Do You Know the Way to San Jose?”
