It’s Winter Break at St. Bondage Academy for young Satanists. Want to be a Satanist, or just look like one? Actually, that’s not fair. Just because there’s some sort of diabolic sacrifice-requiring manifestation in the boiler room doesn’t mean this Catholic high school for girls actually promotes Satanic Verses; in fact, it doesn’t even mean there is a devil in the boiler room. Maybe the boiler itself requires sacrifices; New England winters are cold, man.
With the talent show over, all the girls have gone home for the (weekend?) except for Rose (Lucy Boynton) and Kat (Kiernan Shipka). Rose misled her parents to go on a date; Kat got screwed … or did she? Is there something up with the “dead parents” dream Kat had? We may never know, because this film takes forever to do anything. You got this remote snowed-in school, the classrooms, halls, and dorms are empty. It’s dark. And Rose, the upperclasswoman, has no desire to babysit the noob, so the conversations are brief, the remaining girls are isolated, and any hopes for a dormroom pajama party were dashed. FWIW, “Sit the Noob” is my favorite new game show. Hence, the scene is quiet and dark. Constantly. The camera enjoys long shots of hallway. In the dim recesses, things clink. Wind howls. Shadows remain shadowy. Nature hates a vacuum, so the soundtrack guy decided he was the voice of the film for minutes at a time.
Bottom line is with the intense setting of mood and atmosphere all eerie and stuff, the movie forgot to write a plot.
Meanwhile, in another film, Joan (Emma Roberts) seems to have escaped from somewhere. Her sidelong glances at cops and hospital flashbacks describe either a woman in trouble or a woman who is trouble; James Remar thinks it’s the former when he picks Joan up from a bus stop, not that we may ever find out. The Blackcoat’s Daughter had no intention of resolving these story lines any faster than it intended to explain the obscure title of the film. BTW, if you’re holding out for an explanation, you’ll never get one; may as well make up your own, pal. My guess is writer/director Oz Perkins came across the word “blackcoat” while skimming the dictionary for outdated terms. I think we came thisclose to avoiding “The Blackguard’s Daughter,” which is also obscure nonsense, but might appeal to a slightly different crowd: one comprised of blacklisters blackmailing blackballed blackouts from a blacktie affair. They give this whole genre a black eye.
There’s a difference between deliberately hiding information and treating an audience like it’s not on a “need to know” basis. For instance, it takes several scenes for us 
to realize these two seemingly independent stories are not told in the same time period. I’m sure this coup goes over great in late night film school over a fifth on vodka, but it doesn’t play great on Netflix, dig?
The only plot in the film worth mentioning arrives near the hour mark which seems like a spoiler, so I won’t. Whatever shocking or clever the film had to offer followed shortly thereafter, so I feel stuck for ability to praise. After watching the first half-hour, there seems little reason to continue on with this film. However, when it got going, this film also gave me little reason to continue watching it. But, if -and only if- you come for the “Catholic school girls in trouble” angle, you’ll be unrewarded as well.
In a winter so far from June
Two girls, their ‘rents did maroon
In a school most eerie
With trouble, “oh, dearie!”
Next break, just get drunk in Cancun
Rated R, 93 Minutes
Director: Oz Perkins
Writer: Oz Perkins
Genre: Winter break in the dorms
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Satanists, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The easily addled
