This is a thing, is it? Looting during a natural disaster? Sure. Who’s gonna know, right? Kinda gives it that extra thrill, too, like autoerotic asphyxiation or zoological half-pipe. Hey, man, what you choose to do with your snowboard is between you and your God. For the second time this movie season, someone got the bright idea to rob one of those Federal Reserve places where they destroy money. “Hey, no one is going to miss it!” Except for, you know, the Fed. Pfft. What does that matter?
Gulfport, Mississippi is on evacuation detail in anticipation of today’s hurricane. “Don’t worry, it’s only a Category 2 (whatever that means),” say the hurricane people. The Hurricane Heist implies there exist government employees whose sole job it is to underestimate -and badly underestimate at that- the strength of hurricanes. Luckily, Will (Toby Kebbell) knows better. Oh, he has a PhD in Rock You Like a Hurricane-ology, but this one he just knows from his gut – or, gee, maybe the fact that this happens in the Gulf of Mexico just about every year now. Having lost a father to a hurricane, Will has but one concern while drivin’ his Bat-tumbler through the evacuated town: get his shiftless bro, Breeze (Ryan Kwanten), out of harm’s way.
Meanwhile, in another film, Federal Reserve courier/security guard Casey (Maggie Grace) proves the most impatient truck driver ever, actually using her big rig to shove lesser traffic out of the way. That must be some kind of new Federal protocol. What’s Casey’s hurry? Her payload of bills-to-be-destroyed have to be stolen before the hurricane arrives. Otherwise, we don’t have a plot. Will, Breeze, and Casey are the good guys of the film. Yay, team! Everybody else in The Hurricane Heist is some sort of Hans Gruber flunkee.
The reserve bank vault generator needs a repair, and it turns out Breeze is the only generator repair guy in town; in addition, Breeze is also the only citizen of Gulfport in violation of the police evacuation order. And he’s available. During the hurricane. I can’t get a plumber on a weekend, but Gulfport, Mississippi has a generator repairman on call during a hurricane. Of course it does. What’s that? He’s also an ex-marine when heavily weaponized bad guys come to rob the exact place where he’s fixing the generator? Gosh, that seems like an awful coincidence, doesn’t it?
The Hurricane Heist has that Armored feel to it like it was written by a child … a child who imagines there’s no alignment between moral code and uniform worn … a child 
who can picture a hurricane that only takes out the bad guys …a child who can imagine a man who sees his brother held at gunpoint get swallowed up into a hurricane and somehow not be the slightest bit concerned about it in the following scene.
I’m feeling generous. This was obviously not a great film, nor even remotely a good one. It’s neither an ill meaning film. Sure, the main character –a man of science literally surrounded by weather measuring instruments—ignores data and goes with “gut feeling” to insist upon the outcome of a tragic weather phenomenon. [That, ladies and gentleman, is every bit as bad as global warming denial.] However, the film readily acknowledges global warming does exist and even (correctly) describes a little of its effect on hurricanes. To the point, however, as escapes go, The Hurricane Heist is not the worst by a gale force wind. There isn’t a single moment in the film you’ll reference for any reason a year from now, but this film will probably leave you feeling better than, say, The 15:17 to Paris.
This robbery didn’t go swell
When matched with Hurricane Hell
A new plan, sublime
When you attempt next time
Wait for an earthquake as well
Rated PG-13, 102 Minutes
Director: Rob Cohen
Writer: Jeff Dixon, Scott Windhauser
Genre: ‘Tis an ill wind
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The five-year old who wrote Armored
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Upstanding, integrity-filled peace keepers
