Ted Kennedy was a piece of shit. You don’t have to vote red, blue, green, purple, or plaid to come to that conclusion. Even stated in generous terms, Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy took a late night drive in the summer of 1969 with Mary Jo Kopechne, missed a bridge, landed upside-down in shallow water, and escaped fully intact while she drowned … and afterwards, he didn’t report it to the authorities until the following morning. When Ted Kennedy finally made a public statement about the details of the death a week later, it was clear that his #1 concern about the incident was his political future. Piece.of.shit.
There was a party that night. That was nothing new. Chappaquiddick, from the Wampanoag word meaning “tax shelter,” was a noted getaway for the Kennedys and, I’m sure, many other wealthy New England families. Ted competed in a local regatta that afternoon and came in ninth. I’m thinkin’ blue collar people don’t compete in regattas, but hey, what do I know? It’s anybody’s guess as to how much Ted Kennedy (Jason Clarke) drank that night. The movie stresses there was alcohol a-plenty at the party and much of it was consumed. Then again, the movie also seemed to imply no sex was had at a coed adult alcoholic beach party. Um, ok. That’s your story, huh? What is it with biographies these days? What we do know for sure is that at some point very late in the evening, Ted went for a drive alone with a former secretary of brother Bobby named Mary Jo Kopechne (Kate Mara).
Mary Jo dies before Act I ends. Gee, that’s a bit of anti-climax, huh? Oh, I see, this film is almost exclusively about how Ted reacts. This is the point at which the narrative gets speculative. The questions are, “Do we really know how Ted acted immediately following the accident?” And “Does it matter?” I ask the second question because what we know is damning no matter how it’s framed. A woman died and Senator Ted Kennedy walked away from it. You can fill in the blanks with whatever you want for the period in between accident and police intervention and he’s still going to look bad. And while Ted fluctuates in and out of the responsible human being realm in the aftermath with his clean-up crew, he lands decidedly on “chunky douchebag,” something his embarrassed father (Bruce Dern) is keenly aware of. Why can’t you be like your other brothers?
Family fixer and honorary brother Joseph Gargan (Ed Helms) represents the moral compass of the film. He suggests the best course of action morally speaking, and consequently alienates himself from the clown car of PR men, toadies, cronies, sycophants, and Ted himself. While the picture has little to say other than a documentation of the events, this tug-of-war over Ted’s soul with Joe as the good angel on one shoulder and Ted’s team of devils on the other is the best part of the film.
The Chappaquiddick incident is one I always wished I knew more about. The word itself (like “Benghazi”) served as bogeyman for years without me knowing why. I had no idea this event coincided with the original moon landing. I’m pretty sure that years previous John F. Kennedy either challenged men to land on the moon or his youngest brother to crash a car and leave a passenger for dead; turns out both happened that very weekend.
Chappaquiddick ain’t a great film. It has nothing to do with the politics; there just wasn’t as much to the tale as I would have liked and the details/commentary are fairly shallow. After all, who was Mary Jo Kopechne? And why exactly was she in that car at that time? And how did Ted get out of the car when Mary did not? None of those questions are adequately answered by the film. On top of that, you have the most basic of movie problems – a subject who is a douchebag. You 
gotta get a helluva performance to sell that scenario; we’ve got to believe that Ted Kennedy is something other than kind of an average guy who lets privilege dictate his worthlessness. Unfortunately, while that probably is close to the truth, it doesn’t make compelling drama.
It is impossible to ignore the timing of the Chappaquiddick release. The incident is nearly half a century old. And yet, we’re over a full year away from an anniversary (two years from when the film was completed), so that doesn’t work. 2018 is, however, an election year. Shocker. And this is an election year in which most of the country expects more blue votes than red votes. There seems little question Chappaquiddick was intended to remind voters that Democrats, too, can be vile assholes, something we know all too well. However, the film itself condemns a person, not a party. While Ted’s indiscretions are brought to the forefront, there’s no similar sliming of his older brothers or the party in general. On top of that, the film speaks entirely to 1) Abuse of power and 2) Lack of integrity, which are not only the pillars of the current White House, but are also the two best terms describing the current Republican-dominated congress. Hence, slanted Republican voters looking for a good hate will find it difficult to separate theme from voting interest. Then again, you jerks managed to fabricate an image of Trump as the morally acceptable candidate in 2016, so I don’t doubt y’all can pull whatever red-biased crap you imagine out of Chappaquiddick.
♪Deep down in Martha’s Vineyard close to Edgartown
There was a noted Masshole of immense renown
He took a little ride while he’s still half-drunk
And let the whole world know he’s a world class punk
You’d never ever mistake him for Bob or Jack
But on this night he did a thing he couldn’t take back
Jo JO
Jo Mary Jo
Jo
Jo Mary Jo
Jo
Jo Mary Jo
Jo
Jo Mary Jo
Your life is screwed♫
Rated PG-13, PG-13 Minutes
Director: John Curran
Writer: Taylor Allen, Andrew Logan
Genre: Final Destination, Kennedy edition (twist ending, the last brother survives!)
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Kennedy foes, I suppose
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Ted Kennedy
♪ Parody Inspired by “Johnny B. Goode”
