There’s a “Family Guy” episode where Brian thinks he’s run over Stephen King with the car. Horrified, Brian investigates and, upon discovering it’s not Stephen King but King-wannabe Dean Koontz, he backs over the author a second time. Today, I wish that it were not Koontz, but Goosebumps author R.L. Stine in that mock reality.
I was right to be skeptical the first time. But noooooooo, stupid Goosebumps sucked me in with a cute romance and then layered the elements of family horror. It wasn’t genius, but it was enjoyable. So three years later, Goosebumps 2 comes along with the thought, “Let’s do a sequel where we remove all the charm out of the first, but we keep the most annoying character. Yeah, that’ll work.” And in my head, all positive thoughts from the pages of the R.L. Stine fictional universe again resemble toilet paper.
Nerdy tweens Sonny (Jeremy Ray Taylor) and Sam (Caleel Harris) are being bullied at school. Oh, don’t worry, this isn’t Stephen King bullying with knives and rap sheets, this is fictional G-rated bullying with forced sweater removal and the threat of “telling.” Sonny and Sam have started their own junk dealing business in which they collect no payment but your junk. Be careful what you ask for boys; 2% to 5% of Americans are hoarders. Their first call is to an abandoned, boarded up house with an open door and no resident … how many signs do you need before you have the thought: “something’s not right?”
One big hint that “something’s not right” is the boys were clearly on a movie set where things are supposed to look old, but they don’t … like the dust-free secret-door latch leading to the dust-free secret chamber containing the curiously dust-free chest. Inside the chest? R.L. Stine’s first book, an unfinished manuscript called Haunted Halloween. And when the boys turn their backs, a ventriloquist dummy magically appears … and when they speak the secret words, the dummy “Slappy” comes to life. Oh, thank goodness, Slappy is back, because everyone just LOVES annoying ventriloquist dummies, especially me.
Slappy just wants to be loved. Awwww. And what’s this? Slappy has God-like powers? I don’t remember this is in the first one, do you? And Slappy has not just magical powers of telekinetics and object manipulation; Slappy has the ability to create life. Oh. What say we stay on Slappy’s good side, fellas, huh? Here’s the worst part. No, lemme preface – giving an entire movie to the villainy of a ventriloquist dummy is the worst part; it’s a bad idea from the very start. The second worst part is depriving us of any of the characters from the first movie besides R.L. Stine (Jack Black). But after that, the very worst part is that Slappy starts out an ally and the kids pretty much go out of the way to make him an enemy. There must be a rule-of-thumb here about trying not to alienate the being with God-like powers. I’ll let you know when I locate it.
The repeated inclusion of the character of R.L. Stine himself into his own fictional world struck me as cute the first time and, well, pick a word or phrase this time around: repetitive, egotistical, indulgent, creatively bankrupt, narcissistic, inferiority-complex driven. Go ahead, pick anything; they all apply. I won’t say Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween was without charm – watching a neighbor’s house-sized balloon spider creation become a living menace, well, cool, huh? And sure, going into one of those Halloween stores and making all the costumes and decorations come to life, well, that’s good stuff. Of course, every Halloween store I’ve visited in the past decade has mostly been devoted to mildly disturbing adult Halloween costumes; why didn’t they come to life, too? There’s something missing, which is the entire theme of this picture. I sure hope there isn’t a Goosebumps 3.
♪It might seem crazy what got released today
Another ‘bumps, with a bunch o’ puppet play
The dummy’s back and it can wake the dead
“It don’t make sense,” is the thought inside your head
Huh, because it’s Slappy!
Clap along if you feel like this plot is just a goof
Because it’s Slappy!
Clap along if you feel omnipotence requires proof
Because it’s Slappy!
Clap along if you feel this sequel is just a yawn
Yes it’s Slappy
Clap along if you feel villain puppet is a con♫
Rated PG, 90 Minutes
Director: Ari Sandel
Writer: Rob Lieber
Genre: Why?!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: R. L. Stine
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Suckers led to believe the promise of the first would make for a decent sequel
♪ Parody Inspired by “Happy”
