Instant Family, a “comedy” about foster parenting, is one of the greatest emotional manipulations of our day. Not only is this the most likely 2018 film to draw tears – which is quite a feat considering there’s no death in the film— I believe generations beyond will revere this work as one that made films like The Fault in Our Stars and Marley & Me seem like stoic reflections by comparison. Perhaps I exaggerate. Perhaps I do not. For whatever misgivings I might have, we are going to let this film thrive for two reasons: 1) Instant Family knows it’s manipulative; it’s part of the screenplay that every time Mark Wahlberg is cornered by emotion, he complains about it and 2) More importantly, the movie is entirely about adoption and foster parenting, subjects films rarely cover.
It’s Christmastime, so Mark Wahlberg, being deciduous, has shed his annual spring/summer firearms and grown some family comedy in its place. At this point, Mark is as seasonally regular as a Capistrano swallow.
Ellie and Pete (Rose Byrne and Marky Mark) flip houses for a living; this means they find a crappy, unlivable, piece-of-shit house, buy it, make it nice again, and sell it at a profit. As people who naturally envision potential, they seem ideal foster care parents. The attitudes match – why, these two are perfect! They’re energetic, spirited, and horribly naïve.
It’s unclear what exactly inspires the pair: infertility, sibling rivalry, boredom, or perhaps a small seed of altruism … hah! Whatever motivates the aging childless couple, however, they decide to go to a training for foster parents. Octavia Spencer and Tig Notaro take us all through a process which is equal parts informative and condescending. I’m gonna chalk up the condescending part to attempts at humor, like the single white would-be mom who wants to foster an athletic minority potential future hall-of-famer (the plot of The Blind Side, which the movie has a ball with). Oh, that will get a laugh until you realize the screenplay is kinda laughing a little at you as well.
At the sorting hat picnic, the teens (all destined for homelessness and drug issues, we’re told) separate themselves from the treasured pre-pubescents. Who picks a teen, anyway? Aside from being manipulative, the screenplay is incredibly self-conscious – it doesn’t ignore the “white savior” conversation; it also doesn’t ignore the cringeworthy nature of this pick ‘em scene where foster parents [read: adults] are wholly encouraged to isolate and befriend single children.
Pete, however, fails to make a connection among the younger kids and takes a whack at the teens. One brash mini-adult, Lizzy (Isabela Moner), tells him where he can stick his altruism and, whaddayaknow? Pete’s found his dragon. Oh, but there’s a wrinkle – the 15 year old Lizzy comes with two sub-ten-year-old siblings, Juan (Gustavo Quiroz) and Lita (Julianna Gamiz). The trio cannot be separated. All three kids have issues, of course. It’s impossible to tell exactly whether their collective cornucopia of cockamamie is a fair reflection on the average foster struggle. One thing we quickly find out is that no teen daughter of a crackhead relinquishes her own instincts without a fight.
Instant Family will make you weep. It is first and foremost an emotional request to consider becoming a foster parent. It takes that request very seriously. The notions of art, comedy, or entertainment are all secondary to what effectively amounts to a foster parent intro course. For Marky Mark’s usual Christmas fare, they swapped out about 25-40% of the jokes and tapped that Christmas tree void for a full gallon of sap. I don’t think the film is racist, which, given the subject matter, could easily have been the case. Instant Family also didn’t skimp on the sheer volume of problems one might have raising foster or adopted children. However, I think the film sugar-coated the experience all the same, especially with regards to intensity of issues, expedience of solution, and how attractive your potential child might be. THAT ALL SAID … if this film by itself gets even one couple to consider becoming foster or adoptive parents, then it will have been worth the effort … and for that alone, I will give Instant Family a passing grade.
♪Here’s a story, of a happy couple
Who were living in Eden all on their own
They were content just living solo
Yeah, they were in the zone
Till one day when these morons were inspired
To apply for a solid groinal punch
Hence, they became foster parents
That’s day Marky Mark became Fun Bunch♫
Rated PG-13, 118 Minutes
Director: Sean Anders
Writer: Sean Anders, John Morris
Genre: Insanity, praiseworthy insanity
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Suckers for sentiment
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who hate condescension
♪ Parody Inspired by “Theme to The Brady Bunch”
