I spent most of Conan the Barbarian wondering how often Ron Perlman has died in films. I could name at least five off the top of my head. Then I wondered who held the record. Was it a Hollywood extra who looked really German when all those WWII retrospectives were made? Would only he know he held the record? Was it a big name who has been around forever, like Kirk Douglas, who watched his movie deaths go from the heroic to the Alzheimer’s related? Luckily, this kept my mind occupied while Conan filled the screen.
Our fab tale begins with young Conan, all wild and barbarian-y. We set up the little Barbariville, complete with huts and matching sties. You can see the casting director’s thought bubble: “Hmmm, who’s an ideal dad/chief barbarian? (snaps fingers) Ron Perlman.” Young Conan encounters some trouble during what was it? A local food drive? No. Book club? No. Oh yeah, rite-of-passage ritual. Yawn. Then ice-cream Conan shows such zeal for the dispatch of enemies that I was convinced the kid is a born serial killer. Seeing the adult version didn’t exactly bring my mind to ease.
Conan loses father, grows up, vows revenge, blood, splatter, flexing, etc. There are easily 20 different moments of fluid-spew gore in the film. There are also at least 10 sets of exposed breasts in the film, for which I was grateful as pointless violence without pointless nudity leaves me with the same feeling I have after watching C-SPAN. I found that despite the gratuity, the crowd around me only reacted to one moment – the exposed butt of Jason Momoa after his encounter with a lady. The scene was almost surreal: “I won’t rest until my father is avenged! The bad guy is right there! Time for action is now! Come to think of it, I’m tired. Hey, what’s this? Oh, sex, yeah, that’s cool.” That’s the dialogue that went on in my head while semi-actors semi-acted. What actually was said involved a lot of unintelligible grunting. Anyhoo, the big whoop was Jason Momoa’s ass. Wow. Good thing it was in 3D. In a slightly different scenario, I’d expect the spider-filled love hut to reveal a morning web reading, “SOME RUMP.”
And on that note, I’d sooner expect Wilbur the pig of Charlotte’s Web to become a star than Jason Momoa.
Rated R, 112 Minutes
D: Marcus Nispel
W: Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer and Sean Hood
Genre: Violence
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Video game enthusiasts
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Women
