Are you afraid of Isabelle Huppert? No, don’t shirk the question. I need you to answer this before we go on. Isabelle Huppert, five-foot-two, born in 1953, Parisian, and weighs less than the dog I grew up with. Is this a person that you could legitimately fear? Because if it is not, the entire premise of Greta falls apart.
Oh, that Greta (Huppert), what a card! Leaving her darn purses all over town on purpose as Good Samaritan bait. Who’s today’s sucker? Why, it’s motherless young waitress, Frances (Chloë Grace Moretz)! Tell her what she’s won … Congratulations, Frances, you’ve won an albatross! A lonely AARP woman who will hang on your every mood, aspiration, or appearance in a most aggravating way … but that’s not all; you’ve also won the distrust and enmity of your boss, a total lack of privacy, a full-time shadow, and a two-week all-expenses-paid vacation to Room! Ooooooooooo. Yes, you’ll learn a new meaning of leisure when all of your former concerns just melt away. Think your old life had you imprisoned or tied up? Those metaphors will seem pitiful after even an hour in this trip to get away from it all. Unplug and unwind as, believe me, escape will be the only thing on your mind. And this showcase showdown can be bread and jam for Frances, all she has to do is knock on Greta’s door.
So, yeah, I’ve basically just described the film. Frances finds a purse on the subway and discovers the hard way that no good deed goes unpunished. I wish this were not the case, ever, but often it kinda is. So Frances makes a move she’ll reGreta forevah and returns a purse to this older woman. And sure, at first, it’s all tea time and “I’m a stupid old person who can’t configure url signatures,” but then Frances discovers a trove of purses, all waiting to entrap. Ok, here are some questions: why more than one purse? Does she leave multiple purses on the subway at the same time? (That doesn’t appear to be her M.O.) And did she really get a handful of IDs to put in each purse? Doesn’t New York State stop issuing them after, you know, one – cuz ID fraud is still a thing? So, does Greta have an ID connection? And odds are, that’s also with a younger person … who else makes fake IDs? Why doesn’t that relationship satisfy her craving for young meat?
Obviously, I’ve overthought this. But I do have one last key and very relevant line of questioning: the mother-daughter type relationship between Frances and Greta sours immediately after Frances discovers the purses and realizes she’s just a link in a daisy chain. Now, when would she bang otherwise? KnowwhatI’msayin’? No? Ok. When does this relationship sour if Frances never finds the bags? And did Greta intend for Frances to find the bags as an excuse for the relationship to sour and the older woman go psycho? Again, I think I’ve put more thought into this than the production crew. But hey! Neil Jordan is the guy who made Crying Game; he knows a thing or two about unconventional relationships; why didn’t that come across here?
Oh, well. After all that, the question is how scary do you find Isabelle Huppert? I find her quite lovely, actually. And while I’m sure that there are plenty of restraining orders out for 5’2” women, one hopes that by the time one of the restrained reaches the age of 66, police would have a fair idea as to the genuine danger of the situation. Let me put it this way: I’m no forensic psychologist, but I’m pretty sure little old ladies rarely make their first kill after they start receiving social security. In fact, I’d say that goes for just about everybody, dig?
Gotta say, I’m unimpressed with a plot that aims to attack charitable instincts. I haven’t been this disappointed on this sort of issue since Clint Eastwood killed off plasma donors in Blood Work. What message are you trying to send: don’t be nice? Don’t interact? Don’t help out? For God’s sake, don’t ever do anything beneficial for anybody you don’t know? What the Hell kind of message is that?
Check her out, my friend Greta
Has a dog you can pet-a
Make you some lamb with feta
On that you can bet-a
Thanks for the vinaigrette-a
Whoops, got some on my sweatah
Hey, what’s with that net-a?
Uh oh, I’ve a regretta
Rated R, 99 Minutes
Director: Neil Jordan
Writer: Ray Wright and Neil Jordan
Genre: Are you stalking me, because that would be très magnifique
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Kids afraid of grandma
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Kids afraid of grandma
