American Reunion

Do you want to know the American Pie formula? Too late, here it is: you take a minor problem, much more an annoyance or inconvenience than a real issue, then you blow it up and sexualize it. There you go *poof* script magic. I’ll show you: hmmm, what’s something that annoys me, but constitutes nothing actionable – I know, the morning commute. Sometimes traffic is a little slow at the overpass. OK, instead of slow, make it stop-and-go for miles and the reason being that a certain co-ed coworker chooses to commute topless. *poof — 15 minutes of screenplay right there* Or how about this – I dislike our local homeless guy going through the neighbor’s trash. Now, instead of one homeless guy, make it several and then have them masturbating to the porn in the neighbor’s recycling. This thing practically writes itself.

Think I’m kidding? Let’s examine the centerpiece of American Reunion: Jim (Jason Biggs) and his perpetually nondescript homies have returned to town to pay homage to the fact that someone still pays them to act. At some point, Jim encounters the girl he used to babysit, Kara (Ali Cobrin), except now she’s all grown up and slutty, awwwww. Ain’t that cute?  When her ride bails at a birthday party, Jim offers to take the inebriated girl home. In the car, she strips for him and passes out while – how shall I put this? – attempting to stuff her own American Pie. So Jim, now faithful husband and father, finds himself alone with a passed out, naked, hot co-ed. Oh no! What’s he gonna do? The right thing? Of course not; risqué subterfuge is what we’re after.   What was I thinking? I submit there is only one plan of action possible here, and it just so happens to be the right one – you retrieve her dress, put her in it, carry her to her front door, ring the bell, and say, “Hello, Mr. & Mrs. Formerbabysittingemployers. Hey, look, I encountered Kara passed out, intoxicated and alone in public; I could not in good faith leave her like that, so I brought her home.” If you can’t find her dress, you might add something to the effect of, “her current state of undress makes me uncomfortable, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to go home to my wife and son. I just wanted her to be safe. Please tell her I hope she feels better in the morning.” The tone of your delivery will let her parents know immediately whether or not there was any funny business between you two.  Oh, honor *sigh*  I suppose being honorable has no place in a comedy aimed at horny teens.

There’s only one character under Eugene Levy age of any redemptive comic value in the American Pie oeuvre – Stiffler (Seann William Scott), the anthropomorphized penis. Unfortunately, Stiffler is an asshole, making whatever he does cringe-worthy to those who have grown beyond nocturnal emissions. In a move that screams “I don’t want to ever have sex with a human female,” some local teens have taken the bold action of stealing bikini tops. Stiffler, representing our heroes (all now thirtysomethings) takes it upon himself to exact revenge. It takes two forms – a dump in their beer cooler and the trashing of their jet skis. And this is where I am with the whole American Pie chart: whom do I root for – the bikini stealing teens or the fellas who condoned taking a dump in a cooler? So many decisions.

At the end of the day, the biggest surprise of the series remains the ability of Jason Biggs, Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicolas, Tara Reid or Eddie Kaye Thomas to find work. Not only do the lot of them bring nothing to the table, they can’t even find the dining room. Thank goodness for sex comedies. Yay. And boy, it’s a good thing none of these guys turned out to be gay or I might have found the sexual intrigue … intriguing. Maybe not.

Rated R, 113 Minutes
D: Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg
W: Adam Herz, Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg
Genre: Substitute porn
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Teenage boys who have yet to see a pair of adult female breasts in person
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The dignified