Christo refers to himself in the third person. Of course Christo does. Why wouldn’t he? Do you suppose his namesake ever referred to Himself in the third person? “After Jesus walks on water, Jesus is gonna cure some leprosy and then Jesus is gonna reflect on salvation. Jesus out.” Something tells me it didn’t go down quite like that.
Speaking of Walking on Water, the international tour group “Christo” went to Lake Iseo in the summer of 2016 and constructed three kilometers of floating orange footbridge between islands to the delight and aggravation of many, many people.
It is hard to say whether Christo himself is a primadonna. His whispy white hair and casual wardrobe might remind one a little of a European Bernie Sanders, bit I say it takes a great deal of nerve to propose art that will inconvenience a ton of people … and Christo consistently dabbles in the epic. He’s like the James Cameron of performance artists. Then again, his own dough made the water walk possible, so I gotta give it up for the guy: for whatever Christo thinks about himself, Christo is artist first, everything else second.
And how much did this project cost? Well, that’s just one of the many, many glaring omissions in Walking on Water. But let me illustrate the project for you: Get an empty milk jug. Get another. String enough in a row to extend, say 50 feet in width. That’s one row. Now gather enough milk jugs to extend two miles of rows. Then, cover the jugs with an orange tarp. So that’s two miles of jug rows fifty feet wide and two miles of tarp to cover it all. The tarp, I believe is held in place by chains sewn into both parallel hems. I think chains were the method of choice; the movie sought the argument, not the solution. Anyway, so you need four miles of chain, too. And then the material had to be boated and helicopter air lifted into place, one set of rows at a time over and over again. Clearly, this cost millions to make.
My exposure to Christo has been, thankfully, minimal. I know of the man, but knew not that he had a marriage/artist partner for years (deceased wife Jeanne-Claude). I saw a bit of his umbrella thing driving to El Lay in the early 1990s, and that’s about it. Being the Philistine that I am, I virtually ignored all of his life and most of his over-the-top public inconveniences. Ah, but now one of the documentaries about Christo has found the FrogBlog, so I have some questions, especially seeing as this documentary answered little-to-nothing: 1. WTF?! 2. See #1. 3. How do you decide on a project? 4. Is cost ever an issue? How much? Have you ever stopped a project for the sake of cost? 5. How many people work for you? 6. Whom exactly do you have to lobby to realize your vision? 7. How do you get to the “inconveniencing people for shits and giggles” stage in life? I mean is it something you’re born with or were you, like, a stage manager for “Guys and Dolls” in high school when you caught the inconveniencing bug? 8. What is with all the orange? Your projects make it look like your wife gave birth to ROYGBIV, but Orange is the only child you really liked.
You know what strikes me the most about this film? There’s a scene of Christo in his hotel exiting a bathroom and turning off the light (?!) Hold up. You have no issue almost literally throwing millions of dollars into a lake, but conservation is still a fundamental part of your make-up? Odd. And for all those critics who want to tell me this ill-shot documentary is a piece of genius, please refer to the scene where Christo sucks an entire egg dry. Sucking eggs used to be a benchmark for poor performance, and here it is literally on screen.
Despite the mediocrity of this particular film, I see the power of Christo and the reason so many go to the wailing wall for him: he makes life better, more tolerable. There’s no question of that. He like a guy always looking to set innocuous world records. Do you honestly hate anybody who has vied to get their name in the Guinness Book? I think not. So instead of rehashing all the things Christo has done, I’m going to end this by suggesting some grandiose and stupid gestures he could make around my corner of this planet for the sake of “art:”
- Extend every dock in the Bay Area by 50 feet.
- Paint every cat in the San Francisco orange.
- Construct a vacuum tube directly from my home to my place of employment (with a safe landing pad on either side, of course).
- Build a new stadium for the Oakland A’s. You want a challenge? There’s none bigger.
- Make external stairs to the top of … Transamerica Pyramid, Golden Gate Bridge, Coit Tower, whatever, take your pick.
- Put an orange flag on every business in The City where a corporation has cheated on its taxes.
- Lobby the Golden State Warriors and/or San Jose Sharks for orange uniforms.
Ok, that’s enough for now.
♪I used to think I liked to row boats, now I’m not so sure
Cuz baby there’s all of that straining I had to endure
Now lately I attempted swimming, but I nearly drowned
Getting myself through water should be same as the ground
Now I’m a walking on water (Wow!)
Oh just like I ought-er (Wow!)
Don’t need me a spotter (Who yeah!)
Because of Christo! ♫
Not Rated, 105 Minutes
Director: Andrey Paounov
Writer: Life
Genre: The things artists do
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Christo-ians
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Numbers people
♪ Parody Inspired by “Walking on Sunshine”
