Here’s the thing: I fear that when I see an unforgivingly boring film that my review will be boring, too. Somehow, the methodical tedium infused within every cel witnessed will permeate the words I use to describe it. How can it not? Luckily, that’s not exactly how writing works, so I am going to try to give The Souvenir a vitality and a POV that the screen display clearly lacked.
Don’t try this at home. I am a professional.
Look folks, I didn’t like the dude even before we discovered he’s a heroin addict. The Souvenir describes the life of Plain Jane Londoner Julie (“Plain Julie?” “Pluly Julie?”) and the surprisingly mundane life she leads considering 1) she’s young, 2) she’s a film maker, 3) her boyfriend is a heroin addict. Julie (Honor Swinton Byrne, who looks like a grown-up Millie Bobbie Brown) has a life consisting entirely of waiting for her crappy boyfriend to be crappy. We don’t know Anthony (Tom Burke) is a heel straight off, but there are obscure hints, like the fact that he comes off as a pretentious douchebag in almost every scene. Don’t mind that, audience, let’s focus on the several times Anthony asks Julie for money so he can go enjoy himself.
Hey, camera! Whatcha doin’?! No, don’t follow him. Stay right there and catch Honor’s slight reaction again and again and again. Whatever you do, make darn sure nothing happens while film is rolling.
What is The Souvenir? No, seriously. I wanna know. Is it a dig at Anthony’s parasitic tendencies? Is it a metaphor for Anthony’s drug abuse? Is it the lingerie Anthony brings Julie from Paris? Is that it? Because being a titular thing, you’d think it would be the centerpiece of the film, or maybe mentioned in more than a single scene. (Anybody else a little creeped out by the fact that he picked out the right sizes for a girl he doesn’t know all that well?) Anyhoo, thanks to a script that was an unclear as it could be, semi-distant friend Anthony had been sleeping in her bed cuz he asked, which is exactly how friendship works … in prison. Anthony then goes to Paris, returns with lingerie, and their sleeping together becomes “sleeping” together. Don’t get excited; there’s nothing exciting in this film. Nothing. I feel sorry for anybody who needs to cheerlead The Souvenir.
Forget amateur hour behind the camera. Making an audience squint to identify a single subject on screen or having us watch empty scenery while a voiceover happens simply suggests there isn’t a professional behind the wheel. What really irked me about The Souvenir was its annoying habit of picking up a scene somewhere in the middle and dropping it again without any hint that the conversation or thought within the scene had ended. In this way, we learn next to nothing about our heroine or his heroin. I truly wonder if the film was shot and edited that way on purpose so that we wouldn’t be terribly disappointed when we finally learn that there just wasn’t that much to learn.
Honor Swinton Byrne is the daughter of Tilda Swinton both on screen and off. Make sure to stow that nugget for pub trivia this week, huh?
While not technically the worst part of the film, another significant part of this torture was the fact that Julie being a poor film student meant the plot went in the only direction it could: Julie shows up for school periodically to scam free film. While the scamming is only hinted at, the movie made sure to take us into class lectures in which I learned “there are no rules” for quality film. Well, yes, I suppose that’s true, but that is also true of bad film, and lemme tell ya, coming from somebody who makes a bottom 10 list every year, there are many, many more ways to make a film bad than to make it good. For a film that discusses effective film, The Souvenir was godawful boring and relatively ineffective.
That daughter of Tilda’s named Honor
Debuts as an indulgent fawner
Her critics show glee
But I disagree
My patience, she is a goner
Rated R, 120 Minutes
Director: Joanna Hogg
Writer: Joanna Hogg
Genre: Conversational roulette
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Critics
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me, it would seem
