If you predicted that I would sit through an entire film and conclude, “Why didn’t they have more of the whiny two-inch-tall CGI guy?” I probably would have slapped you. Awkward. See, here’s the thing: while this is true of Men in Black: International, I think it speaks much more to how to film failed than how it succeeded.
You would think that the International tag would deliberately imply inclusion of the French Prince, but Will Smith was nowhere to be seen for MIBI, and the film is distinctly the worse for it.
About now, you might be wondering why the MiB franchise isn’t dead. I certainly am. What might have seemed clever two decades ago doesn’t seem much of anything anymore. Case in point – Remember the part in Men in Black where Tommy Lee Jones reads the National Enquirer for alien news updates? (Wait for laugh) Yeah, that was good stuff … in 1997. Late last year, however, we found out that the National Enquirer actually acquired genuine matter-of-fact news about Donald Trump paying off porn stars and sat on said true information. This is our reality. It doesn’t really matter how many outrageous fake alien stories you publish when 1) truth is stranger than fiction and 2) you’re unwilling to print it. You can see exactly how much this erodes the MiB label, yes?
The franchise went ahead and made another movie all the same; this one about an Mi-wannaB (Tessa Thompson), who spent most of her childhood and all of her adulthood to date searching not for aliens, but for MiB itself. That’s weird, right? To me it’s like a child seeing an elephant for the first time an insisting, “I want to grow up to be a circus janitor!” After some “detective work,” future agent M does indeed find MiBHQ, is granted probationary agent status, and hauled off to England where Men in Black: International is currently undergoing an internal security breach.
You know, on the very same day I saw rookie FBI agent JJ Shaft get told he needs more experience before he can lead an investigation, the MiB gives the first-day-on-the-job noob a foreign undercover assignment. Yeah, Shaft is the place you go for realism in legal enforcement. Meanwhile in our film, once-revered-now-has-been Agent H (Chris Hemsworth) is now making a dog’s breakfast of things across the pond. I’ve used that colloquialism correctly, yes? “Agent H,” that’s how Brits use that, yes?
I feel like Hemsworth here was trying to re-invent his comic persona from Ghostbusters. He wanders about the mountaintops of Superherodom, Supersmugdom, and Superjerkdom without scaling any one of them; the film is mostly told through the eyes of Thompson, who is -effectively- us, but like I said, our goggle-eyed reaction to alien culture ain’t what it used to be. Hence, the film decided to add a McGuffin and a talking chess piece (voice of Kumail Nanjiani). Representing the Wonderland-type addition, Nanjiami’s sarcastic loyalty to Agent M became my favorite part of this film.
For a film exploring aliens and alien culture, Men in Black: International ought to be a current reflection on immigration to the United States and didactic policy thereof. As far as I can tell, the entire MiB franchise has absolutely nothing to say on the subject. In the current political climate where children are separated at the border from their parents and then caged, making no statement in a film specifically about alien cultural osmosis is darn near criminal.
I can’t say I hated Men in Black: International. It was cute, and more-or-less watchable, but it feels like a pretty big waste of time. The Eiffel Tower is a beacon for celestial energy? Gee, where have I heard that one this month? Weapons that ruin a good CGI screen to the “wonder” of all? Innocent gestures that turn out to be no-nos in an alien world? Honestly, this feels like you couldn’t afford Will Smith, so you just put some likable faces on camera and phoned in the rest. The film was mildly amusing, but about as memorable as your average Tuesday.
Alien culture doesn’t always enthrall
Most of us go through ET withdrawal
We take it for granteds
These damn shithole planets
We’re gonna have to build a bigger wall
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
Director: F. Gary Gray
Writer: Matt Holloway & Art Marcum
Genre: Pointless sequels
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who love Chris Hemsworth, but can’t stand Thor; good luck finding one.
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Why isn’t this franchise dead?”
