What do you owe your ex? Let’s take this a bit further: you’re living with a woman who walks in the door and announces she’s pregnant … with another man’s baby. Wait a minute; how could she know that for sure? Oh, btw, they’re getting married. In ten days. And you should leave because this is her apartment and three’s a crowd. There’s a good man. What do you owe that ex, huh?
The misnamed Abel (writer/director/sad sack Louis Garrel) is anything but. He gets tossed by Marianne (Laetitia Casta) in favor of Godot in the opening scene. Dunno the fella’s real name, but I’m calling him “Godot” because he never shows up. The very next scene takes place a decade down the road: Godot has died, leaving behind widow Marianne and a standard precocious cinema child, Joseph (Joseph Engel). And lookie here, Abel is still single and making furtive glances at the funeral … how long until he starts sniffing at his old feed patch, huh? Not one little part of him is resentful about the past decade of his life? Really? OK.
As if things weren’t stupid enough in this modern Parisian romcom, Johnny Depp had a child. This is actually more relevant than you’d guess, because Ève (Lily-Rose Depp) has been in love with Abel since Captain Jack Sparrow was an ensign. Now, however, she’s old enough to do something about it. Doncha just hate it when you wait so long for a guy waiting for a girl that her guy dies in the interim leaving a vacancy?
Oh, and the kid thinks mom killed Godot. And the kid ought to know, cuz 1) he was there and 2) he spends his free time playing cinema PI. For those playing at home, the cinema PI game is slightly more challenging than the TV PI game … for the latter, Frog’s rule of thumb is: the biggest guest star is the guilty party. Amaze your friends! Hey, an episode of “Ellery Queen” with nobody, nobody, nobody, and Larry Hagman. Bet on Larry Hagman.
I will not deny A Faithful Man the premise of genuine comedy. I felt like Abel was a bit of a tool, but, really, can I honestly say I haven’t been a bigger fool for love? No. No, I cannot. The problem is that Marianne turns out to be not worth it … and Ève turns out to be not worth it … and Abel turns out to be not worth it. Did the kid fall in love? Because I really want somebody to root for. I have a feeling I’m gonna be waiting a long time for that one. Not unlike Waiting for Godot, y’know?
♪When I get “older” losing my cute
One decade from now
Will you be interring that guy you’re with
Jerk, home wrecker, son-of-a … bith?
When I hang out at the funeral
And then knock on your door
Whaddaya reckon? A chance for a second
When I’m thirty-four? ♫
Not Rated, 75 Minutes
Director: Louis Garrel
Writer: Jean-Claude Carrière, Louis Garrel
Genre: Human lapdog
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People so amused by romcomedy they’ll ignore the fact that everybody sucks
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Real life faithful men
♪ Parody Inspired by “When I’m Sixty-Four”
