Here’s what we know: that John Denver-lookin’ kid lost his mother in a museum explosion. And somehow in the aftermath, JD Jr. ended up with a secret decoder ring from an art dealer and a priceless 17th c. Carel Fabritius painting entitled The Goldfinch. Got it?
There are times at which I’m a sucker for the set-up. I love the idea that centuries-old priceless painting is hanging out in a pre-pubescent boy’s bedroom between his baseball cards and his pathetic collection of skin mags … I mean, which do you think a tweener boy would value more highly, a van Gogh or the Maxim with Megan Fox on the cover?
The Goldfinch is two stories: one in which kid Theo (Oakes Fegley) re-configures his life in the wake of the museum tragedy and one in which the adult Theo (Ansel Elgort) has to deal with the consequences of JD, Jr. It’s like they’re two different people. I vastly preferred the Oakes Fegley tale; I’d rate it three stars by itself while giving Ansel Elgort – who is wrong for this role – 1.5 stars. Together, I’m being generous and giving the film a pass despite ½ a film I didn’t like and a run-time of 2.5 hours. Don’t push me, Goldfinch, you’re thisclose.
In the wake of the explosion, we’re as much in the dark as the kid. His mother is dead; he’s too young to live at home, so we’re all surprised to see him show up at Nicole Kidman’s apartment. So is she. The Goldfinch is shy with the deets, constantly. It’s aggravating, but I get why the film did it. “Look, dude, we’ve got two-and-a-half hours to get through; we can’t go blowing our load in the first thirty seconds or you’ll leave once we’ve spooned.” As a result, however, we don’t know who Nicole Kidman is, why the kid has a secret decoder ring, and especially why an 11-year-old boy owns a multi-million $$$ painting. But the ring gets him to art-restoration guy Hobie (Jeffrey Wright), which works fine until estranged grifter dad and step-mom (Luke Wilson and Sarah Paulson) show up and take the NYC kid to the desert.
On the back end, Ansel Elgort tentatively hikes about Manhattan revisiting all the people from his youth. It’s one thing if the kid looks like John Denver. I mean, he’s a kid, whatchagonnado? Theo, however, grows up to be somebody constantly wearing a Halloween costume of “nerdy Ryan Phillippe.” It’s not quite like you want to punch him when you see him, but when you see this guy walking down 5th Avenue and you stop to have a conversation, you expect the word “yacht” to come up within the first thirty seconds, knowwhatI’msayin’? This look left me much colder towards adult Theo; when we discover he’s made some adult unforced errors as well … hmmmm.
I accidentally discovered The Goldfinch was polling at 22% on Rotten Tomatoes. Add to that the bloated runtime and a trio package with Rambo: Last Blood and Downton Abbey and suffice to say, I was not looking forward to seeing the film. But it was better than I guessed. I liked the mystery it presented and I was genuinely concerned about Theo’s future even if I wasn’t keen on his adult version. And it was nice of that kid from “Stranger Things” to show up – but what was with that accent?! I can’t recommend this film to any but art historians in search of fiction. And yet, it was better than the other two films I saw that day by a wide margin.
♪Goldfincher
He’s a kid
A kid who was there to filch
That little zilch
Such a goldpincher
Got an eye for things that are oh so old
And yet unsold
Golden art that’s kept under his bed
Make sure the dog does not go unfed
For the world of art, he’s a junior grincher
Just a way of life for Mr. Goldfincher♫
Rated R, 149 Minutes
Director: John Crowley
Writer: Peter Straughan
Genre: Orphan White
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People attached to paintings
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People put off by mistreatment of relics
♪ Parody Inspired by “Goldfinger”
