No great film in cinema history has ever begged the question, “Why am I watching this?” Yet despite the hype of a great film and the look of a great film, The Lighthouse begs this question about every thirty seconds. Not that it isn’t natural to love a black & white art piece about two semi-hygienic men sharing enforced claustrophobia … but … it isn’t. The Lighthouse plays like if you took My Dinner with Andre and threw both guys down a well.
No, I suppose it wasn’t a bad as that. But it wasn’t that good, either.
In an era where pornography is someone writing the word “boobs,” layman Ephraim Winslow (Robert Pattinson) has joined veteran tar Thomas Wake (Willem Dafoe) to run The Lighthouse. The location of this particular lighthouse is unknown, but remote. Very remote. And it stands on little more than a big rock. Ephraim has essentially volunteered for a month of prison. His warden? A grizzled veteran who has no tolerance for insubordination or empathy. Also, don’t touch the lamp! That’s my lamp! Mine, all mine, I tells ya! Geez, Willem, lighten up; who are you, Jafar?
Can you imagine working an entire winter in a lighthouse and never visiting the lamp room at the top? Geez, why else are you there?
Speaking of porn, when Ephraim unrolls his bunk he discovers a bare-breasted mermaid statuette hidden in the lining. Good Lord, exactly how long have boys been hiding their stash under the bed? Did cavemen do this? If you uncover the straw padding of a teenage caveman, are you gonna find a drawing of two stick figures going at it? This representation of sensuality will indeed prove wanking material for Cedric Diggory during his prison stay. You know what great films also have a lot of? Masturbation.
The film is essentially about the interplay between the two men, one alpha, the other an alpha in training. Both seem to exhibit signs of stir crazy exacerbated by their continued proximity and isolation. They take turns gaslighting each other for fun. Questions abound like: How long is Ephraim gonna put up with this crap? When does Ephraim get to leave? Is Ephraim hallucinating? What is reality in this film? And what exactly does the old man do with the lamp at night? And yes, I did mean to imply something sexual there … there’s an undeniable sexual component the film seems reluctant to explain.
Just like the last Robert Eggers film, The Witch, this one is also in black & white. My take is the director saying, “I used black and white so that when critical moments arrive, you won’t be able to tell what’s going on.” Some folks have a different idea of what constitutes “mystery” than I do. Suffice to say, for all I love film, I’m not eager for Eggers.
The Lighthouse is the art film other art films see when they want to see an art film. It’s dark and weird and has a quality that isn’t quite “hopeless” or “depressing,” but it isn’t NOT those things, either. It’s about two not terribly likable men having a go at one another for a few hours. I don’t need to see Kevin Hart in a chicken suit to be entertained – in fact that won’t do it—but this feels like the deliberate opposite of that. So, yes, I can see that this Lighthouse is about as far from Kevin Hart in a chicken suit as you can get. Congratulations, movie; you have achieved the opposite end of that idiot experience. However, grizzled b&w Willem Dafoe literally farting in at least four different scenes is not my idea of entertainment, either. Hence, while I see that The Lighthouse has critical appeal out the ass, I’m not a huge fan of films where anything comes out the ass, knowhatI’msayin’?
Two sailors are stuck on a rock
Both acutely aware of the clock
What’s up with that scene?
Can’t tell on my screen
One man’s “mystery” is another man’s crock
Rated R, 109 Minutes
Director: Max Eggers, Robert Eggers
Writer: Max Eggers, Robert Eggers
Genre: My version of Hell
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who has fantasized about being cooped up with Willem Dafoe
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The hype-free
