Great art rarely has to be put to sleep. I can say that with a fair amount of certainty. I don’t know what exactly brings a person to the stage of life in which they need to disguise their dog as a parade float, but apparently that’s a thing. Sure, why not paint your dog to look like a bag of skittles? What have you got to lose?
There are people in this world desperately in need of attention and a few of them –and their dogs- are on full display in Well Groomed, a documentary about the up-to-this-point unrecognized world of dog styling. And when I say “styling,” I’m not talking the perfect fur AKC stuff, nor even giving your pet poodle a pink mohawk. That stuff is bush league. Well Groomed is about literally making your animal into art. I’m talking about painting the Mona Lisa into your dog’s coat.
I have no idea what the rules are for this endeavor, but it most certainly is competitive. Insane Americans from all corners come annually to Hershey, PA, to show off their panting pride and Almond Joy-themed rover. The elaborate designs sit-up, roll-over, and beg many questions, like what is the limit on dog bling? Yes, there is dog bling. I kid you not. And does the dog care? Is this animal cruelty? The answer to the latter is decidedly “no.” The dogs in this competition –silly as they look- love the attention. You can tell from their mouthy grins to their waggly tails.
Is this human cruelty? Well, that another story. I mean what pet owner knows not the pain of carving his faithful companions’ fur to mimic the hellscape of Picasso’s Guernica only to receive an “honorable mention” ribbon? And, of course, so few dogs can actually become canvasses, y’know? The preferred are large white poodles, ideal for the dye-jobs and fussy fur-work necessary to turn an ordinary hound into an MC Escher. Of course, what happens when the picture doesn’t come out right? I suppose these are just white dog people problems.
Well Groomed captured my attention for exactly as long the novelty held up. So long as the film kept showing me ridiculous and hilarious dye jobs on willful canines, I was happy. When the film delved into the personalities and rigmarole from the humans, however, well, if I may coin a phrase, that dog don’t hunt. Films like this are great education on a subject you know not, but only truly score when the delusional becomes endearing. I cared very little for the insane people who have soaked their money into such silliness. The movie works much better when it’s just about the dogs. Otherwise, Well Groomed is not unlike a laughless version of Best in Show.
“Uh oh” I am in quite a bind
My dogscape is turning most unkind!
My still life is dead
It’s joyless, I dread
It’s a good thing dogs are color blind
Not Rated, 88 Minutes
Director: Rebecca Stern
Writer: Dunno, but the source material is sure to be dog-eared
Genre: People crying for help, attention
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dog groomers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “WTF?!”
