Before God invented Bond films, Russian women post WWII could only be shown in certain ways. Often depressing ways. And while Russia has “successfully” shed the pain of communism, it has not, unfortunately, escaped its yoke of depression. Somebody like me would guess that Russia is already full-to-the-brim-no- more-callers-we-have-a-winner with depressing stories. Not so. I don’t know exactly how many of these tales Russia needs, but here’s one more.
I should have walked out when Iya smothered the baby. Yup. That should have happened. I know. I know. “SPOILER!” But hear me out – first, it happened in Act I. Second, before you go into any film, I think you deserve to know if the film is going to contain a scene where a mother smothers her child to death. I don’t think that’s a spoiler so much as: “Why? Why did you not warn me, movie?”
Single mother Iya (Viktoria Miroshnichenko, an albino stork) came back from the war broken. She has inactivity spells, points at where she resembles a machine that has been shut off. These last for minutes at a time. Make sure that person isn’t driving your Uber. When she’s not in “off” mode, she’s quiet, pleasant, and extremely tall (hence, Beanpole). Unfortunately, this leaves the viewer in limbo as to exactly how broken Iya is – is she mentally impaired or just awkward? These are things you never want to guess.
Luckily, Iya has a pal in the form of the adult Russian version of Millie Bobby Brown (Vasilisa Perelygina). That’s great cuz misery loves comradery. Russian Millie wants a baby, but she’s barren (don’t ask), and sets up Iya with a blackmailable “friend” so that the film can show us the least pleasant consensual sex scene of all time. You think “Handmaid’s Tale” sex is depressing? HA! Knight takes Queen and forces her to do eat dog food. Checkmate.
Beanpole wasn’t done there. Apparently, we also needed some good ol’ fashion non-consensual sex scenes, too. But this is an equal opportunity film, so said attacks came in both male and female form. Lucky me.
Look, I don’t want to attack what I’m sure was a well-intentioned art film, but geez, your heroine is as stiff as starched laundry and looks like the unholy offspring of Gwyneth Paltrow and Frankenstein. You kill a baby, show miserable sex scene after miserable sex scene and intersperse the birds and the wasps with what it’s really like to be Russian in 1946 … which is to say, it sucks. I’m not exactly sure what this film was trying to do, but it came across as one of the least enjoyable movie experiences I’ve ever had. Needless to say, it was a hit at Cannes. Who are you people?
The tale of a stork and a shrew
With unpleasantries I’d like to eschew
Drained me head to foot
While my will went kaput
In Russia, film pan you!
Not Rated,130 Minutes
Director: Kantemir Balagov
Writers: Kantemir Balagov, Aleksandr Terekhov
Genre: Films that make you feel nauseous
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dunno. Viktoria Miroshnichenko, maybe? I think she can parlay this role into making a film people might actually wish to see
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me
