It’s shuffleboard on ice, with cheating. That was my succinct definition of curling three decades ago. And after seeing my first feature-length film devoted to the sport, the assessment has not changed. Strangely enough, shuffleboard, er, curling, does have a thing about cheating. Using the brooms to guide a stone into place is NOT cheating, much as it looks like cheating, but bumping a stone with your foot IS cheating. It’s called “burning a rock” because Canada probably hasn’t seen genuine rock-burning lava in a few millennia. And if the refs don’t catch it, you’re supposed to call it on yourself for cheating, like in golf.
So basically, this “sports” film is a cross between The Bad News Bears, The Legend of Bagger Vance, and an ice floe. Technically, curling is indeed a “sport” in the exact same way that Tic-Tac-Toe is a “game.”
Before I go on, let me preface this by saying I love Canada. I do. I love the vacation days I’ve spent in Toronto and Montreal and Whitehorse. I love ice hockey. I love the Canadian national anthem. I love socialized medicine. I love Canadians. And, all else being equal, I sure as HELL would much rather have been Canadian than American at any time since 2016 began. That all said … Men with Brooms answers, definitively, the question, “What do you think a Canadian knock-off of an American sports film would look like?”
First of all, the sport is curling, which isn’t so much a sport as the world’s worst attempt to skip stones. Next, the cast exactly resembles guys who seem like actors you know, but you don’t. The members of the team of destiny are Paul Gross (the Canadian Matthew Perry), Peter Outerbridge (the Canadian Neil Patrick Harris), Jed Rees (the Canadian Charlie Day), and James Allodi (the Canadian Daniel Stern). The villain (Greg Byrk, the Canadian pre-fame Bradley Cooper) is obnoxious, but … polite? Even Leslie Nielsen –yes that Leslie Nielsen- looks like the unkempt Canadian wilderness version of Leslie Nielsen. O Canada, can you not do better?
This is kind of a “getting the band back together” film except that the band reconvenes right after the patriarch of curling dies two minutes in. The will stipulates the Old Man Curling’s ashes be placed in his favorite stone and used to bring the Golden Broom to Long Bay, Ontario. Hold up. The stones are hollow? You can put things in them? I mean other than human remains, of course. Isn’t that cheating?
Forget it. Predictably, the fellas all have personal issues that get solved with cutaway scenes like diving naked into the quarry. The really, really cold quarry; it’s Canada. Predictably, the fellas get their plaid longjohns handed to them in their first match back. Predictably, there’s an appeal to a patriarchal guru (Nielsen) and predictably, there’s a montage scene.
A montage scene … for curling. I want you to think about that. Think about what it takes to get in physical shape … for curling. Even seen a montage scene in a bowling film? Same thing.
I can honestly say Men with Brooms is the best curling film I’ve ever seen. And, if I’m being honest, it’s not a terrible film. It’s just … what’s the word? Muted. Muted controversy, muted romance, muted humor. I quite enjoyed the multiple scenes of beavers. I speak here literally, not metaphorically. Beaver crossing isn’t gonna make it into most films. Of course, neither will curling, but that didn’t make the film any better. Stick with the ice hockey, Canada; much easier game to give The Bad News Bears treatment. Ask some Mighty Ducks.
You might think this a big mistake
Sliding rocks, for Heaven’s sake!
Yet our competitors are fierce
With brooms, they pierce
As athletes go, decent janitors they might make
Rated R, 102 Minutes
Director: Paul Gross
Writer: Paul Gross & John Krizanc
Genre: Bad News Bears, eh
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Curling enthusiasts, if such a thing exists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Witches and wizards
