For a film entitled “Stargirl,” we spend an awful lot of time with a CIS white male. Hey, what’s important here? Disney doesn’t want to hippiescare customers who got lost looking for “The Mandalorian,” now does it? So come on in, set a spell, a see a nerdy guy fall under the spell of a benevolent homeschooled sociopath. And I wish the film were half as fascinating as that sentence made it sound.
I’ll start you off with a mixed message. How can I not love a film that centers around a high school nicknamed the “Mud Frogs?” And yet, how can I love a film that repeated itself song-wise before reaching the half-way point? Was the screenplay written on manuscripts? Was there a repeat sign on page forty? A coda at the bottom of Scene 17? Did you simply imagine the first version was so good that people would need a second ?
Mica High School (home of the Mud Frogs) is about as humble as institutions get. It’s a nothing building on the outskirts of a nothing town surrounded by a nothing desert in Arizona. The trophy case exists, but is completely empty. Wow, this is a mecca for underachievers; they haven’t even won anything by accident. Do you know how hard that is? The movie tells us that the Mud Frog itself is a dormant animal; it sleeps in a self-made cave below the surface, neither eating, nor breathing, for years. When a good rain comes along, suddenly the hibernating animal comes to life and parties like it’s subfamily felinae. Oh, hey, I know what this is…it’s a metaphor, isn’t it? Ok, I think I can play, too. There’s this other animal called the Steel Frog which lies dormant each night for about 6.5 hours, then it gets up and works a day job; in its spare time, it rips crappy films to shreds. Rats. I’m no good at metaphors.
The hero is Leo (Graham Verchere), a meek tackling dummy of a high school kid. As part of an unspectacular marching band, he gets a front row seat to see each and every Mud Frog loss on the football field. It used to be a trope that bullies would crush the nerdy kid’s glasses. However, Leo doesn’t wear glasses and –geez-have you seen how much eyeglasses cost these days? By virtue of American health care economics, I’m so glad bullies gave up that practice. So instead, bullies destroyed the custom-made tie that reminds Leo of his late father. Leo finds high school, and life for that matter, challenging.
And then one day, Stargirl (Grace VanderWaal) shows up. For no reason whatsoever, this wacky tribute to home-schooling and self-design marches into the school cafeteria alone, pulls out a ukulele and serenades Leo over lunch with “Happy Birthday.” What exactly would you do if 
someone you didn’t know and isn’t being paid showed up at your workplace to sing to you on your birthday? That’s how weird this feels. Shortly after, Stargirl finds a halftime of deflated Mud Frogs and starts singing “Be True to Your School.” Next thing, Mica high scores its first touchdown in ages. Go Frogs! Do it forMica. The school has a good luck charm and Leo goes from zero to smitten in a hemidemisemiquaver.
Oh, yes, hemidemisemiquaver is a real thing. A real short thing. Look it up.
Whatever energy found a “rah rah” audience early on meandered away as the film progressed. There are several problems with the Leo-Stargirl hook-up, the major ones being Leo doesn’t know what he wants and Stargirl isn’t quite … genuine. You see, the biggest problem with this film is it serves less as a story and more as a platform to showcase Grace VanderWaal, of whom – it can be expected- bigger things will happen. In the mean time, however, we’re stuck with a half-assed story about a wishy-washy kid and the girl who changed his life from indecisive to irresolute. I have no problem with Mickey Mouse & co. hiding this on Disney+; it’s sweet, but it isn’t meant for theaters.
Mined from character quarry
Stargirl: person or allegory?
She sure had some gumption
Braving all assumption
Maybe next time, they’ll give her a story
Rated PG, 107 Minutes
Director: Julia Hart
Writer: Kristin Hahn and Julia Hart & Jordan Horowitz
Genre: High School Abusical
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Stargirls
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Mean Girls
