Out of curiosity, which actor would you rather have entertain your small children on Christmas Eve, Forest Whitaker or Keegan-Michael Key? The guy who won an Oscar for portraying homicidal dictator Idi Amin … or the guy who made his career doing sketches on comedy central? Just a thought. Personally, I think Forest Whitaker is a wonderful talent, but his roles often require him to thaw as the film progresses and that process takes far too long for my tastes. Case in point is yet another holiday family entry for 2020, Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey.
Am I wrong to be a little pissed here? 2020 has sucked like few other years before it. Nowhere is that more evident than in the motion picture industry, where almost all major releases have been suspended, delayed, cut, and in a few rare cases extorted to squeeze extra green out of a cable audience. The result is a dearth of accessible motion pictures and the rise of the limited TV series, like “Tiger King“ and “The Queen’s Gambit.” But you know what we have a ton of this year? Christmas films! I’ll be floored if any single one of them has lasting power, but in lieu of theater entertainment, this is what we’ve been given. yippee.
Jeronicus (the singing version played by Justin Cornwell; the curmudgeon version by Forest Whitaker) is a toymaker. The best darn toymaker ever. Mostly because his toys do stuff. Jeronicus, you see, is more inventor/scientist than Mr. R Us. We’re not told what year it is … and the “town” where this tale is set is clearly one big sound stage. But it is an era of plaid vests and top hats, so anyone who can construct even a simple automaton has the ability to control the market if not the world.
One day, Jeronicus creates life. Seriously, this dude actually plays God. Calling it his “greatest invention ever” and believing that every household will want one, Jeronicus creates Don Juan Diego (Ricky Martin), a self-aware, narcissistic, matador/roué Ken-doll. I am baffled as to why ethnic Geppetto would make such a thing and even more confused guessing why every household might want a Don Juan Pinocchio. For plot purposes, Don Juan McGuffin gets stolen by a rival, essentially turning jolly upbeat Jeronicus into Forest Whitaker. Sadness, indeed.
When Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey isn’t playing God, it’s playing music. 
There’s a lot of music in the film (strangely almost none by Ricky Martin), and there’s no small amount of dancing, prancing, cometing and cupiding. This is one of those films that wants us to believe in both science AND magic – like one can find the mathematical equation to the human soul. Hence, the best and only slightly-memorable number in the film is also its silliest. Watch granddaughter Journey (Madalen Mills) croon with all her heart the ridicu-diddy “The Square Root of Impossible Is Me.” There is no forum on this planet (outside perhaps QAnon) where this song makes sense.
Movie-wise, we’ve delved so far into the Santa mythology that producers have taken on secondary and tertiary characteristics of Christmas. In Jingle Jangle, there’s “Christmas” in the title, but the film has less to do with Christmas than Die Hard. Will that make you root harder when a magical Wall-E shows up as this year’s big toy? I dunno. The film has toys, magic, and song. I guess that’s how we want to entertain children this month, right?
Jeronicus Jangle would toil away
Combining science and magic all day
To understand, you gotta be
Well below the age of three
The square root of impossible is this screenplay
Rated PG, 122 Minutes
Director: David E. Talbert
Writer: David E. Talbert
Genre: The ever increasing Matterhorn of fabricated Christmas mediocrity
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The kind of people who get excited to sing Christmas carols
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The kind of people who can’t believe how much excess you can milk out of Christmas minutiae
