Vin Diesel is still cashing in on The Fast and the Furious. It’s been twenty years and at least eight Fast and Furious films (I’d say “countless,” but somebody is clearly counting them), and yet Vin is playing the same role and doing the same things that made him a star in the first place. For twenty years. Has he grown as an actor? I see zero evidence. I know darn well he’s been in several other films, but I had to consult imdb to recall Riddick and Xander Cage as other Vin Diesel alter egos. If you mention “Groot” right now, I’m gonna slap you, so don’t. Hmmmm, what’s the point? Point is I could rip apart the remarkably low bar this actor has set for himself, and yet I do not. I applaud Vin, not because I think he’s doing extraordinary things, but because the man has found a comfortable niche and has no intention of leaving it. Why would he? And while it’s easy to call this modern cynicism or the product of a broken industry, I find it historic, almost refreshingly so.
Historically speaking, ow is Vin Diesel different from say, Abbott & Costello? Or Charlie Chaplin? Or Christopher Lee? Or Clint Eastwood? Those guys all played the same role in “different” films again and again and again. We like seeing Vin Diesel in a muscle shirt and fast car; not only is there no harm in it, there’s little point in having him do anything else. Which would you rather see? Vin Diesel as Hamlet or Vin Diesel as Dominic Toretto? I think his career is going exactly as it should.
That said, F9 blew. I would say this franchise “jumped the shark,” but knowing The Fast and Furious “saga,” it jumped a giant mechanical mega-shark with nitro-car only to be captured by a raptor-like hotrod-snatching jet.
Lacking muscle for this round, the saga decided to include John Cena to compensate for not having either Jason Statham or The Rock. Gee, I hope those guys can land on their feet. Ummmm … franchise? I’d rather have Jason Statham or The Rock than John Cena. Without question. I mean, you just never know when a film will require, y’know…talent.
Speaking of which, there’s a bad guy in the film who (I assume) owns a warehouse where he keeps Charlize Theron in big glass box. Charlize has pretty good hair and wardrobe for being in a glass box all day. You might have missed this in-between stunts, but there’s a small sign on the enclosure reading, “In case of acting, break glass.”
Ah, but who needs talent when you have flashbacks? Writer/director Justin Lin decided the best way to introduce a non-sequitur (Cena) was to pretend he was there all along. Weaned at the racetrack, Li’l Dom and Li’l Jakob watch dad go up in smoke, which -in turn- splits their brotherhood into the good guy with a bad record (Dom) and a bad guy with a good record (Jakob). This all gets Dom off the couch decades later to abandon his toddler so he can show up his bro one last time.
Add here’s what I understood of what qualifies for plot in F9 – military operative Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell) has a plane downed in Mexico leaving behind a MacGuffin so valuable it can potentially rule any government. Now, despite the value of the object in question, none of the CIA, FBI, MI6, KGB, NBA, whomever seem to care about it and, instead, the first people to arrive at the crash site are a team of American chop-shop enthusiasts. These are our “heroes.” Don’t worry, a small army comes to do battle within 30 seconds.
Now, despite not knowing what the object is, what it does, or who might care, Dom’s crew immediately decides they need to defend with their lives, especially as the guys after it are led by Dom’s estranged brother.
The biggest problem with writing about these films is that while they often talk about “family,” the only people I seem to spill ink over are those likeliest to get in fistfights. Did you know that Gal Gadot has been in –like- four of these things? News to me, and I’ve seen every one.
Anyway, how many of these films have I reviewed? Have I ever mentioned Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, or Chris “Ludacris” Bridges?
No? Well,
allow me to make amends: Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, and Chris “Ludacris” Bridges.
Now where was I? Oh yes, flying nitro cars across Mexican jungles and ludicrous bridges. The key to any Fast and Furious film understands that any problem on Earth can be solved with the addition of a suped-up Pontiac Fiero. Any problem.
The Furious franchise has forever been fraught with frenzy and ferocity. F9 is no different; and yet it’s a step back. The biggest problem F9 has is previous success. These are the folks that invented the vertical commute by car. I see you trying, F9, a plane capture here, an outerspace sportscar there; I’m sure on paper the stunts looked just as ridiculous as any other Fastfilm. But they weren’t. And you let the dialogue be dominated by Vin Diesel and John Cena while keeping Charlize Theron in a box. Who does that? At the end of the day, F9 was watchable for about 30 minutes and then became a good film to fall asleep to.
There once was a dude named Dom
A street racer with great aplomb
Though his life so furious
Evolved into the curious
He turned action into a sitcom
Rated PG-13, 145 Minutes
Director: Justin Lin
Writer: Daniel Casey & Justin Lin
Genre: Ninth verse … same as the first
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: How desperate have you been for another Furious?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Those who were hoping this one wasn’t written by a child
