You know those challenges where somebody is supposed to stay overnight in a “Haunted” House to win a big prize … have you ever actually seen or heard of one that would make you flee in terror? Yeah, neither have I. Well, I’m sure that will change if Muppets are involved, right? Nobody scares like Disney.
Ok, right now I’m envisioning the Blumhouse production opening in Muppet form – Or how about The Ring video? Wouldn’t you like to see Muppets re-enact The Ring or maybe Silence of the Lambs. Who plays Hannibal Lecter? Statler? Waldorf? Fozzie? The Swedish Chef? “Herr-de-for-de-liver-flipflipflifplfip-chiante-borkborkbork.”
Well, for now, the Muppets have only taken on The House on Haunted Hill or some such foolishness, and at that, only two of the traditional gang have made the trek: Gonzo (voice of Dave Goelz … hand of ??) and Pepe the Prawn (Bill Baretta).
Passing through a prologue haunted by cameos of nearly famous people like Yvette Nicole Brown, Darren Criss, and Craig Robinson (“you were once on a hit TV show? Hey, me too!”), Gonzo and Pepe enter a mansion hosted by Will Arnett in a moustache. Gonzo eager, Pepe tepid. Well, gee, Prawny, why’dja come?
This is the major problem with the Muppets Haunted Mansion – while the cameos and jokes and throwbacks (like a ghostly ballroom dance scene straight out of the original “Muppet Show”) might generate a smile — for the main plot, one story works and one doesn’t. Gonzo
aims to find the thrills and gets more than he bargained for, fear-wise. That ain’t easy. We all know Gonzo doesn’t really fear anything because the avian-ish felt creation never accounts for consequence. Pepe, OTOH, has a storyline I’d sooner forget. Taraji P. Henson acts as a corpse bride of sorts trapping the tubular upended cleaning device for eternity … and eternity is, unfortunately, kinda how this secondary plot feels.
I’m on the haunted fence here. Muppets Haunted Mansion has a zero percent chance of replacing “I got a rock” or “ ‘Do not touch Willie,’ Good advice!” for classic Halloween lines and moments, but I did get a kick out of Kermit wearing a Miss Piggy dressing as one-another. In other words, I don’t have an aversion to this version of Halloween, which ain’t a great recommendation, but it beats anything I’ll ever say about “Saved by the Bell.”
While Pepe heads into a trap
Gonzo does not give a crap
Dunno who’s viewing
But for enhanced reviewing
Please re-title: “Muppet Show and Spinal Tap”
Rated TV-PG, 52 Minutes
Director: Kirk R. Thatcher
Writer: Bill Baretta & Kirk R. Thatcher & Kelly Younger
Genre: Puppet horror
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Muppeteers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Seekers of the ultimate Halloween tribute
