Gosh, golly, gee, if only there were a really good sci-fi destruction-of-Earth film out right now to show exactly how miserable Moonfall is. If only, like, there existed a film which truly explored the science, ramifications, and likely political and social fallout that would occur if humans were truly faced with the catastrophe of an outer space object colliding with Earth that -in turn- showed exactly how one-dimensional and myopic this picture looked. Hmm, well if I cannot name such a film, I’ll just have to pan Moonfall by itself on its sad lack of merit.
The moon is hollow. Yes, that moon. Like an egg in an Easter basket, it opens up to reveal a surprise: futuristic human-hating space technology!
Wait a sec … a man-made moon-sized construction base that hosts planet-killing machines?! No, no. Star-killing machines. Maybe we could call the “moon” a “Star Destroyer.” How does that sound? I think it has a nice ring to it, don’t you?
So ten years ago, professional white guy Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson) and his astro-partner Jo Fowler (Halle Berry) were out doing Space Shuttle stuff when a Red Shirt incident happened claiming their pre-credits partner. Unfortunately, NASA forgot to add cameras to anything at the time, so poor Brian got blamed for – probably being white; you just know what a burden that can be, huh?
Ten years later, the moon seems to be off orbit. Who discovered this? Was it NASA? SETI? The CIA? MI6? Nah, it was part-time janitor, sneak thief, and professional white guy K.C. Houseman (John Bradley) in a role clearly written for Josh Gad. Try to swallow that one: the guy who figures out the moon is out–of-orbit (and is hollow) doesn’t even have access to a telescope.
We’re ten minutes in and I hate this plot.
Turns out the moon is on a collision course with Earth because of course it is. Can these three humans AND NO OTHERS figure out how TO PUT THE MOON BACK WHERE IT BELONGS? I’m not sure which part of that is more mind bogglingly stupid. Roland Emmerich has made some bad doomsday films before, but this one is beyond awful.
I love the part where he throws in little conspiracy details – like the fact that the distance from Earth to sun (91.7 M miles) is “400” times greater than distance from Earth to moon (238,900 miles) AND the “size” of the sun (865,370 miles in diameter) is also “400” times that of the moon (2,159 miles in diameter). These things are true if you’re a C student or find estimates just as curious as genuine fact. But as proof of an alien culture building the moon, they’re pretty freaking weak. Also, when you’re talking “size” of celestial objects, isn’t volume more important than diameter? Do you know how much bigger the sun is than the moon? Try 200 cubed times.
Following scene after scene of “how did we get here?” the players eventually hijack a space shuttle from an El Lay museum and fly it to go pew pew pew bad aliens. The aliens, btw, if I understand this correctly HATE the combination of biology and electricity, which is why they messed with the original space shuttle. How they found the space station but missed the big blue ball which is nothing but a surface of bio and electricity is beyond me. Oh, and freaking try flying anywhere in space without using electricity. Good luck.
Unbelievable 
scenes, implausible developments, wooden characters, and heroic self-sacrifices; it’s everything you want in a Roland Emmerich film with the added bonus of a dash of white grievance and a heaping of pseudo-scientific conspiracy. If this is what you want in a film, I weep for you.
Moonfall represents the worst of current conspiracy theory groupthink. This isn’t a comet in a forgotten sector of space; this isn’t an anomaly in the crab nebula. This is the moon, something all earthlings who have access to a window can spy at night and feel comforted that it is still there. But wait! They’re not telling you the full story! Science has deceived you! To your doom! I know what they dare not say! Follow me or wallow in your own fantastical demise! Do I think Roland Emmerich is presenting Moonfall as a documentary? No, of course not. But how is this silliness any different from so many other self-destructive easily-disprovable-but-you-have-to-understand-and-respect-science-to-do-so conspiracies? You know, things like: “The Earth is flat.” Or “Vaccines are bad for you” Or “Trump won in 2020.” There’s as much solid evidence for any of these things as there is for “the moon is hollow and was constructed by aliens.”
And who is our hero? Well it’s a split between “the hardluck white guy no one believes” and “the hardluck white guy who –also- no one believes.” Speaking of which, there isn’t a believable scene in this entire film. And it’s that much more embarrassing that Don’t Look Up parodied it before it even came out. Terrible, terrible, terrible film. It would give it zero stars, but I don’t think the film is smart enough to have a genuine point of view.
There once was this thing called “the moon”
Which made every young couple swoon
Is it made of cheese?
Good golly, no, please!
It’s as hollow as a used up cocoon
Rated PG-13, 130 Minutes
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writer: Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser, Spenser Cohen
Genre: Conspiracy
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The easily entertained
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Scientists
