Did the pandemic claim all the film editors? No Time to Die, 163 minutes. Eternals, 156 minutes. F9: The Fast Saga: 142 minutes. The Matrix Resurrections, 148 minutes. Spider-Man: No Way Home, 148 minutes. Nightmare Alley, 150 minutes. Dune, 155 minutes. Zack Snyder’s Justice League re-cut, 242 minutes. House of Gucci, 158 minutes. House of Gucci clocked in at over 2 ½ hours, why? And please tell me Bond couldn’t find some time to die in 163 minutes. “No, wait. Q, there it is. Found some time. Now I can die.”
These are the films we watched in the past year. And with the exception of Spider-Man and *maybe* Dune, they all went on too long. And now there’s a three-hour Batman with precious little material you’re gonna remember beyond this week. –Somewhere in three hours of a superhero action film, there should be at least one moment you will remember until the next one.—Hence I ask again before I parade my own three-hour review of this film, did the pandemic claim all the film editors?
How do you get to the point where you release a film and then say: “Oops! We forgot to edit?”
Upon emerging from the theater, these are the exact words I jotted down: “Meanders in darkness for a full three hours before coming to the dubious conclusion that some vigilantes are better than others.” I don’t have a problem with Robert Pattinson as Batman. I don’t even have a problem with a three-hour run-time, so long as you’ve got three hours worth of stuff to show. But boy did I have problems with this film.
Let’s start with Pattison as Batman. Christian Bale saw Batman as a playboy-turned-champion; Michael Keaton saw Batman as a philanthropist; Robert Pattinson sees Batman as a misanthrope. It would be hard to express how uncomfortable Bruce Wayne looks when he’s not The Batman. Shadow-eyed Robert Pattinson seemed more at him in the light as a five-time vampire … not that there was any light to be had in this film; writer/director Matt Reeves’ understanding of The Batman was that no person –including the audience- should ever get a good look at either Bruce Wayne or his alter ego.
But this take is a reinvention of Batman. For all we have accepted The Batman through previous legend, there were a few new quirks that didn’t quite hit home with me. For one, The Batman keeps a diary. It includes phrases like “PUSH MYSELF.” Hey, Buddy, good for you. You’ll get there, bug guy. Have you ever known a Batman to be this insecure?
Can we marvel for just a moment at the fate of the Twilight players? Team Edward (Robert Pattison) is The Batman. Team Bella (Kristen Stewart) is Lady Diana. Team Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is just behind Nick Swardson in the Happy Madison stable. I know we never expected great things out of Taylor Lautner, but, this one just kinda makes me laugh until I’m sad.
Ok, back to the film. For “the world’s greatest detective,” The Batman is incredibly slow on the uptake several times in this film. The Riddler (Paul Dano) completely owns The Batman. There is never a moment in 175 minutes that The Batman is not at least three steps behind The Riddler. During the film, The Batman even interviews both The Penguin (Colin Farrell – he doesn’t look like a penguin, but he also doesn’t look like Colin Farrell, so I suppose congratulations are in order) and Carmine Falcone (John Turturro). I repeat, The Batman interviews … as in “seeks knowledge.” Batman doesn’t interview; he already knows. What is this? And we’re rewriting the Wayne legend as well? Look, I’m 100% for reexamining how oligarchs got their wealth; I think we should take a good, long look at every.single.member of congress and ask ourselves, “How were you able to finance your political career?” But do we really need to reexamine Batman’s rise to vengeance? Suppose we conclude that cosplayed vigilantism was a mistake; what do we do then?
Do you ever think Siri/Alexa gets pissed at The Batman? Like when he’s out driving? “You will reach your destination in a quarter mile … [recalculating] … please make a right back to the correct side of the freeway … [recalculating] … you will now reach your destination in 1000 feet … [recalculating] … please make a left around the set of flaming vehicles…[recalculating] … you will reach your destination in OH SCREW IT! YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN.”
One thing Batfilm is usually weak on is women’s roles. As far as I can tell, there was only one woman in this film, but she was darn good. Zoë Kravitz as the equally vengeful Catwoman is probably the best thing about The Batman. Oh, and can we talk about vengeance for a sec? Robert Pattison’s best and only memorable line of dialogue is a self-descriptive “I AM VENGEANCE.” Gotta say, the film was most reluctant with labels; I suppose that’s a mark of the age we live in, but I think you can still use the words “Batman” and “Catwoman,” no? It’s not like we have a costume-fluid societal bathroom issue yet, is there?
Anyhoo, the problem with the vengeance line is that everybody in the damn film is vengeance. Everybody in the damn film uses fear as a tool. That’s what this film is. Batman, vengeance. Catwoman, vengeance. The Riddler, vengeance.
The Penguin, vengeance. The Riddler’s minions, vengeance. Lt. James Gordon (Jeffrey Wright), vengeance. NYPD, vengeance. Batman’s tailor, vengeance. Subway token vendor #7563, vengeance. There’s even a part late in the film where The Riddler actually points out that he and Batman have similar outlooks and similar goals … and he’s not wrong. So, what, one guy is evil cuz he believes a bunch of conspiracy shit? While the guy with money isn’t?
And truth be told, I actually enjoyed very much the tiny amount of exploration about The Batman as a child of privilege. Yeah, being an orphan sucks. Watching your parents get murdered will scar you for life, but The Riddler ain’t wrong – it could have been worse.
Do we care about a plot in The Batman? If we do, it starts when The Riddler murders the mayor. Lt. Gordon invites The Batman to the crime scene where the NYPD all growl at him. Awkward. But there’s even more awkward to follow: The Batman is Commissioner Gordon’s lapdog for most of the film. And all of this to highlight The Batman’s fashionable diet of Riddler dust all film long. Look at that bod! It’s better than keto.
In the Marvel v DC war, I’ve been heavily pro-Marvel. However, I acknowledge things can change. For example, the Eternals was miserable, and then DC scored right and left with alternate projects: Joker was a hit. The Suicide Squad was a hit, as was its spinoff, “Peacemaker.” “Titans” and “Doom Patrol” both have merit. The off-focus stuff is working. DC is starting to figure out how to do this right. But here’s DC’s big chance to score and we’re back to three hours of darkness. It is artistic darkness? Who knows? It’s just dark. Meh. And suddenly I’m reminded of Wonder Woman 84. And Aquaman. And Green Lantern. And four hours of Justice League. And the fact that –if I am being honest- I haven’t truly enjoyed a Superman film since Christopher Reeve wore the outfit. These are your bigs, DC. And I’m not wild about any of them right now. So while DC is getting the little stuff right, it’s still not nailing it where it counts. It’s like … how shall I put this for Batman viewers? It’s like perfecting the hot sauce for taco night and still choosing rancid ground beef as the base.
Take care of the big stuff before you take care of the little stuff. I didn’t hate this film, but if Batman fans continue the 8.6 on imdb (as of this writing), The Batman will etch a permanent place in the overrated Hall of Fame.
A new villain has many heads a throbbin’
Perhaps there’s room for more vigilante jobbin’
The Riddler made his case
Will The Batman take and place?
And indulge in a sequel called The Robbin’?
Rated PG-13, 175 Minutes
Director: Matt Reeves
Writer: Matt Reeves, Peter Craig
Genre: Have you got three hours to spare?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People so desperate for a blockbuster they think this is one
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Realists
